The Struggling Artist

I've never really loved the term struggling artist because honestly, does the artist really have to be struggling? But currently, I find my situation to be just that. As I just previously mentioned, I have not gotten work since last November. Incidentally, that was also voluntary work, so in all honesty, I have not gotten paid work since last October. I've been getting by on savings and the help of a certain government program, but those savings have now dried up and my ability to use this government program ends in August. While looking for work I've had many marvelous opportunities to develop and grow as an artist. Growth that I do not think would have been possible had I been working full-time. I am grateful for the time that has been allocated to me. I've written three plays, one of which I am producing myself for the Ottawa and Winnipeg Fringe Festivals, taken a multitude of workshops, traveled all over the province, and met some amazing new people. But now? I'm scared. I'm really f'n scared. For a little while today, I thought I wouldn't be able to breathe anymore. It felt like someone dropped a rock on my chest and added three sumo wrestlers on top for good measure.

The thoughts that keep running through my mind all involve desk jobs, condo sales, and community theatre... not exactly where I thought I would be.

I'm not looking for sympathy or answers right now. I know that the answers can't come from anyone but me. Still, I wish my mind would stop racing long enough for me to figure it out.

The Bigger Fear

Generally, writing a play does not scare me. Not to belittle the job of the playwright (because there is a tremendous amount of work involved), but I can just write something and, if someone decides they like it and want to produce it, I can just sit back and enjoy the show. It doesn't matter if I've revealed a part of myself in the lines or not because no one really sees me in the words. They now belong to the actor speaking them. The problem, or should I say the paralyzing/gut jarring/appetite destroying fear, occurs when that actor also happens to be me. Maybe it's because I haven't done it in so long (last November and counting). Since appearing in Meta Schmeta, I have had many auditions with zero results. It was one of the main reasons I got back into writing - to create something that I could appear in. That said, it's during these bouts without work that many actors begin to doubt themselves (What am I saying? Actors are always doubting themselves) and I'm no different. I start to think maybe there's a reason I haven't been working in so long. You know those thoughts of maybe I'm simply not good enough... Maybe everyone else has come to the realization I'm not really that great of an actor and I'm just oblivious to it all. Yesterday, I had a talk with a friend who mentioned the mistakes an actor keeps making which prevents them from getting work, but their ego is so much in the way that you can't approach them about it. I couldn't help wondering: is someone somewhere having that same conversation about me and I've just been blind?

My gut tells me that's not the case, so I carry on. And this summer, I'm laying it all on the line - words and voice. I've written a show which I am producing for both the Ottawa and Winnipeg Fringe Festivals (see my Upcoming Appearances page for details). I've been blessed with a fantastic director and an amazing scene partner. These people, I'd like to think, would not be working with me if they didn't believe in the project (they sure as hell aren't doing it for the money). They're faith encourages me and reminds me that I also have faith in myself... somewhere... I think it's near the stomach... I am proud of what we are coming up with in rehearsals and I know already that this production will be ten times better than my last attempt at self-production (live and learn). Success, for me, is just making this happen. I guess I'm on the right track.

Who am I trying to be good enough for anyway?

Asphalt Jungle Shorts - The Twitter Experience

Driving back from Kitchener-Waterloo to Toronto at 1 am gives you plenty of time to think and to rant randomly. (First up, reason number 42 why I am different from my mom and my sister: I happen to like night driving - the roads are quiet and the car is bumpin'!) I can't even begin to describe how wonderful my evening was. Every song on the radio was a song I loved (though some ladies who lunch may argue that I love every song, which is mostly true but besides the point - come on, if you don't love C+C Music Factory, you have no soul!) Some of you may remember my previous adventures in KW. This time around, through some careful scheduling, I managed to be in town for the Asphalt Jungle Shorts, an absolutely wonderful little project of site specific theatre. Basically, you get taken on a trek through town and "witness" approximately 15 short plays on your journey. I had heard about the festival and applied with my own piece, Blind Date. I found out today that there were over 300 applications from playwrights so I feel very privileged to have been included.

My life is just such a beautiful dream and the best part is that I don't ever have to wake up. There is nothing quite like seeing some amazing and inspiring art taking place (and knowing that you played an albeit small part in making it happen) to really recharge your batteries. During one particularly heavy piece in the tour, two people walked up. They were covered in tattoos and scowls and didn't look like your typical theatre audience. I thought they would just walk around, but no, they stood there, and I saw giant grins form on their faces. When someone told them they could come along for the rest of the ride, they couldn't believe it. It was their first time seeing theatre and they were so enthralled, they will come back on another day to catch the show from the beginning. My heart melted. I am so amazed at this community of artists I keep finding all over the world and I am even more thrilled that all of them seem to be willing to let me sleep on their couches if I'm ever in town. And you can bet that I will one day take them up on that offer (especially with the Magnetic North Theatre Festival happening in KW next year!)

For those of you who won't be able to make it out, here is my live Twitter play-by-play of the evening (inspired by the lovely Lois and her frequent Tweets from backstage).

Enjoy!

We start at the Kava Bean Common on Gaukel Street:

@nancykenny - Free parking & french vanilla cappucino - rain or shine site specific theatre goes on

@nancykenny - Wondering if the crazy interview taking place at my table is part of the show...

@nancykenny - Groucho lookalike says something might happen

@nancykenny - Coffee shop argument We begin... I hope

@nancykenny - Aha! Interview is! part of it

@nancykenny - For copyright reasons, not Groucho but Whome

@nancykenny - Off to a great start - cat fight in the street over a clocktower - not a euphemism

@nancykenny - Group stopped by someone trying to figure out her cell camera

@nancykenny - Ah this is the clocktower

@nancykenny - Gosh lots of couples break up on this tour

@nancykenny - Group photo YAY robots!

@nancykenny - If we had chosen left would we get different shows?

@nancykenny - Whome runs all the way around the park to ensure being in the lead. Corny jokes abound

@nancykenny - Random ppl swear at the actors - not part of the show - geez learn to have fun

@nancykenny - Best valley explanation of Othello ever!

@nancykenny - Jaywalking is bad. Heard from Whome: I wish I had a camera for all the fascinating things that did not happen.

@nancykenny - That's what I like to see passerbys staring w/ joy n awe (these are the people I mentioned above)

@nancykenny - Whoa another breakup. Do not come to KW for love - come for the petting zoo

@nancykenny - Whome quote: Marriage is the leading cause of divorce

@nancykenny - Intermission in a bar - my show takes place in a bar! Anticipation!

@nancykenny - Now in the furthest room in the bar. Surprised I have reception. FYI-bar is Rum Runner

@nancykenny - Hmmm Whome has disappeared but a sexy married dragon lady is flirting w/ the bartender...

@nancykenny - My show's great!

@nancykenny - "There's a gay woman trapped inside this strait man's body" HA!

@nancykenny - Whome is back! Woo!

@nancykenny - Programs given at the end so as not to ruin the surprise - they asked me to bow! TY KW! Amazing show! Even the weather complied

@nancykenny - This has been a live tweetorama from the Asphalt Jungle Shorts

Am I Just Killing Trees?

I've got two more packages set to be mailed out to two more theatre companies.  What's in these packages? An 8 by 10 glossy of myself carefully stapled to a properly formatted resume, along with a brief cover letter.  Since October of 2008, right around the time Rabbit Hole concluded at the Gladstone, I've sent out 21 of these little beauties. I have yet to receive a response for any of them. In fact, looking through My Documents, I realize that I have been sending out packages like these since 2006 and I have yet to receive a response to any of those either.

It kind of makes you wonder what's the point?  Does anyone even open my letters? And if they do, what makes it that I am immediately filed under "G" (that's G for Garbage for those who might be unclear).

Is it my lack of Equity status? Is it my photo? My resume? My location in Ottawa? What?

I wouldn't say I'm bitter, I'm more just really curious to know what companies are looking for when they claim to be holding general auditions.  If you have any insight, I would love to hear it.

Roller Derby Saved My Soul

Give me a girl with some bruises on her butt and that killer look in her eye.

- Uncle Leon and the Alibis

Some of my followers (look at that, I've got "followers" now - ain't I special?) on Twitter and Facebook may have noticed that I was in Red Deer this past weekend attending a Roller Derby Boot Camp, hosted by the Canadian Women's Roller Derby Association. First off, yes, Roller Derby.  Yes, that sport on roller skates.  Yes, it still exists.  It's actually experiencing a pretty strong revival.  We good?  Can I continue?  Thanks!  Now, contrary to what you may be thinking, I haven't suddenly picked up a new sport (though after this weekend, I'm seriously tempted - apparently I'm quite a natural on quad skates). You see, a few months ago, when I began toying with the idea of creating my own work, I was looking for inspiration to hit. I was sitting in my office (Westboro Branch) and noticed a community paper on the seat. I flipped it over and, on the cover, saw something that sent light bulbs exploding in my brain: Roller Derby.

Since that day, I've been avidly researching the game in order to create a one woman show that I would like to tour on the Canadian Fringe Circuit next year. You see, the revival of this sport goes far above and beyond anything you could possibly imagine. Every week, I hear of a new team popping up somewhere across the country and the rest of the world. Even our fair Ottawa is working on getting it's third (yes, third!) team. From the Ottawa league, I heard about the Boot Camp happening in Red Deer. Of all the places in Canada where this weekend was taking place, it happened to be in the city where my sister currently lives... So, I jumped at the chance to go. And I do not regret it. I've now made a ton of connections which will serve me well on tour. You see, every city that has a Fringe Festival also has a Roller Derby team (or two or three or five - Hi Toronto!).

This is a really ambitious project for me, one that really pushes me to my absolute limit. I'm scared like you would not believe, but I am also incredibly excited. As usual, I will be posting my show developments here on my blog. Until then, I leave you with an awesome little music video for Roller Derby Saved My Soul by Uncle Leon and the Alibis. It will give you a good idea of the athleticism and theatricality involved in the sport.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mlfCPc1ZhCQ]

Tell Me What You Want and I Will Make It So

Yes, I'm a Star Trek nerd. I'm also a big stinking liar (though not about the Star Trek thing - you never lie about the Trek). You see, not a day goes by that I don't bitch and complain about being stuck doing some form of administrative theatre work, be it marketing, front of house, stage management, finding sponsors or even writing. I complain because I keep saying I don't want to do any of those things. I just want to ACT. It's been at least a year and a half since I've been in a show where I didn't need to have any other care except to show up and be an actor. I even did script analysis and wrote the English press release for the awesome short film I shot this past summer. I am getting really sick of it.

The thing is, I'm totally lying. I love being involved in the performing arts in any way possible. I also love having some form of control over the product that I'm putting out (and yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is a product - and hee, I said "put out" and giggled because I'm 12). I love the rush I get from small victories like selling a t-shirt, an ad space, or, better yet, solidifying a donation. And most of all, I love realizing that I am really good at something (or a lot of things, actually, as the case may be).

People tell me all the time what I great job I'm doing (and please don't stop, because I love hearing it and it makes me work harder!) and I've always kind of brushed it off. I mean, is it really that hard to show up early, coordinate 5 volunteers into position, sell some merchandise, and, oh yeah, smile? Apparently so. Then again, I think it's the smile part that people have trouble with. I never do, not at the theatre. That's how I realized I was lying. I just love being at the theatre so damn much, I can't help but smile. And that makes my job incredibly easy.

Can't you feel it? There's beauty and excitement in what we do. We're creating something, something so big no individual could ever accomplish it all on his own. The show doesn't begin and end with the actors on stage. They are but one small piece of the puzzle. And if any of the other pieces (including the audience) are missing, the picture is incomplete. Whether you're selling a ticket, writing a press release, showing someone to their seat, contacting a potential donor, calling the show or performing in it, you are important.

So I will keep working behind the scenes and in I will keep sitting in front of them to ensure that the magic keeps happening.

That said, I really wouldn't mind if someone would like to cast me in something (and let me focus on doing just that) like, now. Or tomorrow. You can cast me tomorrow, too, if that works for you.

I Know What I Did Last Summer

As previously mentioned, I first started this new version of my blog back in August 2008 after my first foray into professional film. It was an awesome little short film entitled Death Rally. Well, after all this time, as trailer for the movie is finally available and you can watch it right here! Please note, this is a horror/comedy and is NSFW.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97-V_-aiD8U&color1=0xb1b1b1&color2=0xcfcfcf&hl=fr&feature=player_embedded&fs=1]

The website has also been updated with cast and crew info, so please go check it out! Once I know when the movie will actually be screened and released, you can be sure I'll be letting you know all about it right here. Until then, enjoy the trailer above and the show poster below!

60 Words

60 freakin' words That's all I have to tell you all about my upcoming Fringe show and why you should see it.

And right now, I feel like I have nothing.

sigh

I think it's easier to write a whole damn play than 60 words about the play. And I'm suppose to be some kind of marketing expert?

Hopefully sleep brings perspective...

90% Perspiration

For the past two years I have been in constant contact with a small professional theatre company on the outskirts of Ottawa in order to get an opportunity to audition for them. Yes, you read that right: two years. Every couple of months or so, whenever I had a project coming up (or better yet, saw that they did), I'd be in touch. And then I'd follow up, just to be sure. Acting is a business of connections. Though a lot of it revolves around who you know, it also revolves around who still knows you exist. Do I worry sometimes that I may be coming off as too pushy or a bit of a nag? Yes, sometimes, but then I remember that no one ever got blacklisted for sending in a resume/headshot.

I know a lot of people who complain that they aren't getting any jobs and yet don't seem to realize that these jobs don't just fall in your lap. You have to network, you have to build relationships, you have to let them know that you take this job seriously, that you are a good actor, and you are exactly what they are looking for.

So, after two years of persistence, I finally got an audition and it went swimmingly. Though casting depends on many factors that are outside my control, I know I did well and I know I will be on stage in that little community in the very near future.

I'm looking forward to it.

All of this has happened before...

For the second time, I am producing a show I have written for the Ottawa Fringe Festival. For the second time, I'm having trouble putting together my creative team. The people I would really like to work with are unavailable, which means I have to take a chance on someone new. And that scares me like you would not believe. I've mentioned before that this art form is a collaborative effort that is so much bigger than myself and I still believe that. I do. Honestly. However, I'm investing a lot of money, time, and, yes, even a little part of my soul into this endeavor. I'm already taking a big risk. Now I have to take it a step further by trusting someone who's work may not be familiar to me... I'm having trouble letting go.

Breathe

This happens all the time after all. Who is ever truly "in control" when it comes to creating theatre? I just have to keep doing the best that I can with what I have and trust my instincts will help me select the best people for the task at hand.

I want people to trust me. I guess it's time I started trusting them.

Clowning Towards the Truth

Just recently I completed a workshop in Clown and, a little while before that, I did one on Physical Theatre. Both these workshops get you to perform behind some sort of mask (an actual mask in physical theatre and a clown nose for, well, clown). However, what I learned very quickly is that you can't hide behind the mask. It sounds weird, I know, but there is was. With your face covered, your entire body becomes your only true method of communication to your audience. If you try and hide anything you might actually be feeling, they will know it, they will be bored, and, in my case this past week, a crazy man with a tambourine will gong you offstage. And this is when I realized how physical theatre, clown work and all their derivatives will help me be a better actor. It's all about revealing yourself and your truth. It's about being connected to your body, your instrument, and how grounded you are in the moment. It's about giving a compelling performance that moves people and ensures they never feel like looking away. Now, I don't consider myself a "physical" actor by any means (though with more practice, who knows?), but if I can bring all of that to my "strait" performances, I think I've got the beginnings of something great.

The Uncertain Shall Inherit the Earth

Words like "recession" and "economic crisis" have been tossed around a lot lately, and to be honest with you, I've often felt weird for not thinking it was a bigger deal.  It just hasn't affected me.  I had taken my RRSPs out to buy a condo months before trouble started; a low Canadian dollar means more American productions coming to Canada; and low interest rates mean my student loans are getting paid off faster.  Sure, I'm unemployed, but that's my own damn fault, not the economy's.  And yes, arts funding is getting cut again, some more, but my theatre company has managed so far without government funding, I know we will still make it work if we don't get anything this time around. So in the midst of all financial turmoil, I was feeling out of place for not worrying properly or something until I came across this blog post by Adam Thurman:

As an artist the most potent weapon you have in your arsenal right now is this:Your willingness to embrace uncertainty...The so called "stable" world, the world of doctors, lawyers, banker is falling apart. All the assumptions that people have built their lives on are being shattered. That's uncertainty. But since they haven't been dealing with that state of being as long as you have, you can imagine that they are a bit panicked. This is actually good news for you. Because in an unstable world, those who are able to deal with ambiguity and uncertainty best become the ones mostly likely to succeed. Your skills as an artist, your nature as an artist is more valuable now then ever.

Read his whole post, Moving in our direction.

I don't have a routine anymore.  I don't know where I'm going to be in a month, next week, hell, two days from now.  I don't know if the script I'm writing is going to be a hit and make me lots of money, or if the one I already wrote and will see staged is even any good.  I don't know, and I'm OK with that.

I feel better now.

Help! I Need Somebody

The ego doesn't want you to get help.  Whether it's having someone look over a draft of a script I wrote or getting coaching on a monologue, my ego immediately flares up, wondering why I would need help in the first place.  I should just "know" how to do it well, how to do it right, and if I can't make it awesome the first time around, well screw it!  I'm not doing it anymore. Ouch!

Is this some kind of self-preservation thing?  Protecting ourselves from potential criticism and, gasp, heartbreak?  Yes, in some fucked up way, I guess it is.

I can't tell you how hard it's been for me to get past my own ego, to stop self-sabotaging myself.  I try to take little baby steps everyday to ensure that I keep moving forward, but sometimes even baby steps feel like jumping over mountains.

So I've got two choices:  I could lay down and just give everything up or I could just ask someone with some mountain climbing gear  how to go about it.

Can I sleep on that for a bit?

Living the Dream

Am I truly awake?  Did last week really happen?  I've got the receipts and ticket stubs to prove it, so I guess it did. I took a big leap and went down to Toronto for the week.  As previously mentioned, I had done some advanced prep work and went down feeling confident and apprehensive all at the same time.

Things were off to a good start when I arrived.  I had an Ottawa friend who was auditioning for the Stratford Conservatory and we met for lunch.  We followed that up my a trip to TheatreBooks and the World Biggest Bookstore.

Here's a little bit of info about me.  I don't just love books, I adore them.  The treasure trove of information found in each and every one, waiting to be unlocked and discovered;  the personalities hidden within the words;  the stories waiting to take me away to places unknown...  It's all incredibly sexy and addictive.  I'll go throw genre phases - these days it's books on marketing, new media, and spirituality (or marketing your spirituality through new media) - though there is always room on my book shelf for plays, plays and books about plays. There's just something about the written page between my fingers that just makes me so very happy.  And I'm good to my books (I never bend corners or write in them), so I rarely get any paper cuts.  I'm starting to run out of room though.  Guess I'll just have to get more bookshelves.

I got to see a few shows while I was in town too.  First up, there was a wonderful adaptation of Miss Julie by Canstage.  This play really made me realize that for an audience to understand the themes in the original piece, it does have to be updated.  In this case, we're in 1964 Mississippi aka Freedom Summer two days after Lyndon Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act.  I can't even find the words to tell you how much sense this adaptation makes (granted there are a few groaner moments, but these were Strindberg's fault - I mean come on, a bird in a cage?  Gee, I wonder what that refers to?).  There's also incredibly strong chemistry between the main actors and the esthetics for the show are just wonderful.  I really appreciated the Marilyn/Jackie O dichotomy you see in Julie (unfortunately, she'll never be a Jackie), but that might just be because I've been watching too much Mad Men lately.  Anything from that time period just tickles me pink these days.

Next, I saw a musical without knowing that's what I was going to see.  A friend invited me to see A New Brain by Acting Up Stage with him and it was a refreshing surprise.  Thanks to my dabbling in stage management with the fine folks at Zucchini Grotto, it turns out I already knew a few of the songs in the show.  It also made me realize that I prefer the smallish, independent musicals to the big budget ones.  Though I'm in no way an expert, I'll take Evil Dead: The Musical over We Will Rock You or The Phantom of the Opera.  That said, and I'm sorry to say this to all the purists out there, I really did like Mamma Mia!.  Shut up!  ABBA gets a free pass from me.

Anyway, its a good thing I like the little new musicals, since I then went out to Sheridan College to see a friend in, yup, another musical.  It's called Big Time Operator and it's a new show set to the music of the Big Bad Voodoo Daddies.  I'm a huge swing fan, so this was a bit of a treat.  Though this was as cheesy as musicals get ("bad" guy finds out he has a son, meets a "good" girl, falls in love in like 5 minutes and decides to change his whole life around if he can just stay out of jail, happy endings all around - It's like Grease meets... something else and swing music - Sorry, I really don't know my musicals), it was a lot of fun.  I was actually really impressed with the choreography, though the prop "drinks" could have been anything else than what they had.  I didn't realize so many speakeasies served daquiris.

To top that off, I had a great meeting with a Toronto agent that I need to follow up with and a fantastic reference from some former teachers, which led to an audition prior to my departure.

I also somehow managed to work out everyday for five days, which is some kind of record for me, and the long train rides gave me plenty of time to write and, of course, read.

And now I'm back in Ottawa, finishing up some grant applications and organizing a fundraising event before jetting off again.  This time, I'll be off to Kitchener to see a staged reading of a show I wrote and after that, well, I'm not sure.  Will I be popping by Toronto to meet with that agency again or to shoot an industrial video?  Or will I be heading back to Ottawa to study clown with the craziest bunch of Fools I know?  Only time will tell, but until then I'm just enjoying the sweet, scary embrace of the unknown.

Doing Nothing at All

Approximately two to three weeks ago, I send out packages (resume/headshot/cover letter) to 6 different agencies in Toronto.  Last week, I do my follow up phone calls to "make sure they got it." From one agency, I get an automatic email saying they got it.  Three go to voicemail.  One emails me personally and asks for a demo.  The last actually takes my call, but unfortunately can't seem to find my stuff.  They'd look for it and get back to me.

So, I persevere.  Reply to the email.  Call back the guy who's still looking for my stuff...

No answer.  What now?  WHAT NOW?!?

Well, there's nothing I can do.  Honestly.  We live in this digital world where we get so used to instant everything, we forget to take the time to breathe and just let things develop.  As the guy in this video says "Give it a second!  It's going to space!"

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LoGYx35ypus]

So stop.  Just stop, breathe, and let it happen.  You know what you're capable of.  You know you're ready for opportunity whenever it's ready to knock.  Go do something else.  Go to the gym, go do your groceries, go meet friends (and do not talk about what you are doing).  Go!

And you know what?  It works.  I go to the gym and now I have a meeting on Thursday.  Turns out last guy did find my package after all.

Nothing but Fear Itself

I would like to say that my mom and I are close.  However, for as long as I can remember wanting to be an actor, I have desperately wanted her full-fledged support in my unconventional career choice.  Though she 's always encouraged me to do something that made me happy, every conversation about day jobs would inevitably turn to talks of "Maybe you'll actually like doing that instead." I know it's a parent wanting peace of mind and security for her children, but I have to admit that I have avoided taking many career risks because in the back of my mind I've always worried about what she would think/react/say.  That's my own fault for not being strong enough to take a stand and do it anyway.  I've learned that lesson now and have started making the hard decisions.

But suddenly, something's changed.  It was so subtle at first, I'm not even sure when it started.  Maybe it was when my mom came from New Brunswick to see my first professional theatre gig at The Gladstone.  Or maybe it was when I decided to head out to Toronto.  Or maybe when I approached her for donations for my theatre company, informing her that we gained charitable status and showing her all the good press we've been receiving.

Or maybe, she just realized that after 10 years this isn't just a hobby that's going to go away.

Whatever the case may be, my mom has loosened up tremendously, which I'm also sure has a lot to do with my grandma's passing.   When I told her I felt the need to go back and study my craft in a more intensive environment, I had all the reasons why she might say no in my head.  What she said instead surprised me: "Well of course you do.  You're competing at a much higher level now."

Um, hi?  Who are you and what have you done with my mommy?

So all of a sudden, I'm bringing up the excuses as to why she should say no.  Because there is no way this Dream Mommy can be real, right?

Me - Well, I guess I would have to sublet the condo if I went back to school.

DM - Oh that would be great!  No payments for a few months.

Me - But how would I handle paying the bills?  I don't want to disconnect the internet.

DM - Trust me.  The bills will find you and if you're not making mortgage payments, you'll be able to cover them.

Me - Well, I guess I'd have to put my stuff in storage.

DM - Just lock it up in the basement.  It's not like you have to take everything out.

Me - ...

So I had a revelation.  It turns out that I'm scared.  Acting scares me. The possibility that I might actually be a good actor scares me even more because it means that I have to throw myself out of my comfort zone and actually do some hard fucking work.  The thing is, instead of dealing with my own fear, I've projected it onto my mom and turned her into my excuse for not getting any work done.

Well, without knowing it, she's put a kibosh on that.  The apron strings have been cut and I now have exactly what I've always wanted.

Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it...

Be Prepared

"I say luck is when an opportunity comes along and you're prepared for it." - Denzel Washington All transit strike worries aside, 2009 has been off to a really great start for me.  On New Year's Eve, I was at a party and found the coin inside the "Money Cake".  Apparently this means that I will be lucky all year and I can't really complain if that's the case.

Already I've finished a short script that I am quite pleased with and submitted it to a couple festivals.  I've got new headshots in my possession from a really great new photographer and two acting workshops scheduled for January.  I've already started one in Physical Theatre and I'm having a blast.  Two professional auditions have already come my way and I get to stay at home and work on projects that interest me (though I quickly realized that grant writing is not interesting in the slightest).

That said, it's easy to sit at home and become complacent and lazy, especially when you can't get around town without assistance.  I've got a few plays and books I need to read.  I've got a script I need to stay focused on and finish writing.  I've got monologues to prepare so that when an audition that requires it arrives I'm not running around like a chicken with her head cut off wondering how the heck I will memorize and prepare all that verse.  And most of all, I need to realize that I have friends for a reason and that I don't have to/can't do this alone.

For the longest time I would prepare monologues on my own.  Practice in the shower or in front of the mirror or walking from the fridge to the couch... but never in front of anyone.  I'd save that for the audition and to be honest, those auditions usually sucked.  However, I've noticed a remarkable improvement in my work when I practice with a partner.

You know sometimes you do something really stupid and then you look back and go well duh, that was stupid, why did I do that?  Really, why in the world would you want to put yourself in an already stressful situation without having done everything you possibly could to make it less stressful?

I had a workshop with a casting director once and she said do your 3rd take in the room.  Best advice I have ever heard.

Hack Cough Choke

What is it about auditions that can turn a bright talented young woman into a pile of brainless mush? I prepared a monologue I could recite in my sleep (in fact I wouldn't be surprised if I had).  I worked on a song that I had performed well not two days ago.  I was ready as I was ever going to be.  I went to bed with a smile on my face because I knew I was going to rock it.

Maybe it was hearing the beautiful notes coming out of the audition room or from people warming up down the hall.  Maybe it was running into some incredibly talented people also up for the same part.  Maybe.  But somewhere along the line, I lost my nerve.

First, I blanked on my monologue.  Then I forgot the melody to my song (3 times - don't ask).  Finally, panic started to seep in.  It was over before it even began.

I did learn something however, so there is at least that.  I know my weak points as a performer and I know what I need to work on.  Auditions are so few and far between that I really don't want something like this to happen again.

Now, deep breath, it's time to move on.

Learn to Warm Up, Dammit!

I had a wonderful little audition yesterday (though any opportunity to audition is wonderful) where I was asked to prepare a song and a short monologue.  I was also asked to stick around after for a group audition. Now, I spent a lot of time prepping for the song and monologue.  I warmed up my voice, ran the lines, ect.  However, I wasn't really sure what to expect for the group portion.  I figured maybe they'd have us read together or maybe just play some acting games together to see how we interact.

I wasn't too far off.  They did have us play some movements games set to music to see how well we played and responded to each other.  It was really no pressure and a lot of fun.  I'm a fairly active person so this truly was going to be a blast.

Well, the music began and we all started jumping around when suddenly I got an impulse. (Oh no!  She's got an impulse.)  I was in stocking feet and wearing my lululemon pants which always make me feel invincible.  Like I can pull off daring athletic feats in those pants!  So I suddenly begin to slide down into a forward split.  It took me about a split second to realize that I don't know how to do a proper split, but by then it was too late.  I felt a nasty thug under my right leg.  Did I even manage to perform a proper split?  I didn't have time to dwell on it.  The music was still going and the other auditionees were approaching me.  I kept smiling, somehow pulled off a reverse tumble and bent my back at angles that would make the Matrix proud.

When the music stopped, I tried not to focus on the throbbing in my leg.  "Just shake it off!"  I told myself.  "Shake it off!" (sorry I couldn't find the video)  I was already high on endorphins from moving my body around and begged my mind to forget about the pain my leg for just a little while longer.  After all, there was still a choreographed dance routine to learn.  Fortunately all pain and residual nervousness melted away (Damn, could I do the song and monologue now?)

So I smiled strong and proud and danced my little heart out.  I had a blast and it was probably one of the funnest auditions I've had in a long time.  But then we stopped and the pain returned.

OW!  I definitely pulled my hamstring and it kills.

Next time, I will remember to warm up before an audition that includes movement.  Either that or I will remember that I can't do the splits.  At least not right now.

I Have Limits?

I know, stop the presses, but this is actually surprising news for me.  I had a revelation recently that made me go back and reevaluate how I learn things. It's frustrating when you know in your mind that you are capable of doing something but your body doesn't respond accordingly.  For instance, I know I COULD run a marathon, but if I went and tried to right now, my body would cave somewhere around 5 or 6K even though my mind would be willing to keep going.  So, if I want to do accomplish this goal, I need to practice, build up my physical strength and endurance, ect.  But I'm annoyed because I want to be able to do it now!

Since I'm impatient, I find that I usually give up and don't bother practicing or getting better because, well, if I can't do it right now, what would be the point?

Wow, talk about self-sabotage!

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Dear Nancy, please get off your high horse and come down and play.  You'll only get good at the game if you keep playing.

Lots of Love and Cheerios,

The Universe

At least, I think that's what The Universe would say.