Am I Just Killing Trees?

I've got two more packages set to be mailed out to two more theatre companies.  What's in these packages? An 8 by 10 glossy of myself carefully stapled to a properly formatted resume, along with a brief cover letter.  Since October of 2008, right around the time Rabbit Hole concluded at the Gladstone, I've sent out 21 of these little beauties. I have yet to receive a response for any of them. In fact, looking through My Documents, I realize that I have been sending out packages like these since 2006 and I have yet to receive a response to any of those either.

It kind of makes you wonder what's the point?  Does anyone even open my letters? And if they do, what makes it that I am immediately filed under "G" (that's G for Garbage for those who might be unclear).

Is it my lack of Equity status? Is it my photo? My resume? My location in Ottawa? What?

I wouldn't say I'm bitter, I'm more just really curious to know what companies are looking for when they claim to be holding general auditions.  If you have any insight, I would love to hear it.

Nothing but Fear Itself

I would like to say that my mom and I are close.  However, for as long as I can remember wanting to be an actor, I have desperately wanted her full-fledged support in my unconventional career choice.  Though she 's always encouraged me to do something that made me happy, every conversation about day jobs would inevitably turn to talks of "Maybe you'll actually like doing that instead." I know it's a parent wanting peace of mind and security for her children, but I have to admit that I have avoided taking many career risks because in the back of my mind I've always worried about what she would think/react/say.  That's my own fault for not being strong enough to take a stand and do it anyway.  I've learned that lesson now and have started making the hard decisions.

But suddenly, something's changed.  It was so subtle at first, I'm not even sure when it started.  Maybe it was when my mom came from New Brunswick to see my first professional theatre gig at The Gladstone.  Or maybe it was when I decided to head out to Toronto.  Or maybe when I approached her for donations for my theatre company, informing her that we gained charitable status and showing her all the good press we've been receiving.

Or maybe, she just realized that after 10 years this isn't just a hobby that's going to go away.

Whatever the case may be, my mom has loosened up tremendously, which I'm also sure has a lot to do with my grandma's passing.   When I told her I felt the need to go back and study my craft in a more intensive environment, I had all the reasons why she might say no in my head.  What she said instead surprised me: "Well of course you do.  You're competing at a much higher level now."

Um, hi?  Who are you and what have you done with my mommy?

So all of a sudden, I'm bringing up the excuses as to why she should say no.  Because there is no way this Dream Mommy can be real, right?

Me - Well, I guess I would have to sublet the condo if I went back to school.

DM - Oh that would be great!  No payments for a few months.

Me - But how would I handle paying the bills?  I don't want to disconnect the internet.

DM - Trust me.  The bills will find you and if you're not making mortgage payments, you'll be able to cover them.

Me - Well, I guess I'd have to put my stuff in storage.

DM - Just lock it up in the basement.  It's not like you have to take everything out.

Me - ...

So I had a revelation.  It turns out that I'm scared.  Acting scares me. The possibility that I might actually be a good actor scares me even more because it means that I have to throw myself out of my comfort zone and actually do some hard fucking work.  The thing is, instead of dealing with my own fear, I've projected it onto my mom and turned her into my excuse for not getting any work done.

Well, without knowing it, she's put a kibosh on that.  The apron strings have been cut and I now have exactly what I've always wanted.

Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it...

Random Sugar Crash Ramblings

I have a headache.  I think my body is wondering why we're not eating a crème caramel, 2 pieces of chocolate cake (with quite a few stabs at some additional icing), a piece of torte, a lemon square, and some chocolate syrup tonight (twice on Saturdays!)  Or maybe it's because I'm not drinking 3 coffees per day anymore... I haven't suffered the dreadful post-show crash that usually afflicts us actors when a run is over, though since I have so many things on the go, I think I just haven't let it hit me yet.  When I finally realize that I can safely go into the bathroom without a fart machine going off, I think I may break down in tears.

It's weird.  I've always said that there were so many things that I wanted to be doing with my time that I couldn't because I had a full-time job.  However, now that I actually have that time, I haven't gotten around to much of it.  True, it's only been two days since the end of the show, and it's not like I've done absolutely nothing productive.  For instance, I learned that Hot Fuzz is a wickedly awesome movie and I think I have a crush on Simon Pegg.  Damn, good writing is sexy! (I will forgive him for Run, Fatboy, Run though.  He probably has a mortgage to pay too and it's simply easier to blame David Schwimmer instead)

There's so much theatre going on in town now that I'm not even sure where to turn my head.  I'm seeing up to 7 shows over the next two weeks.  First up, Toto Too's Evening of One-Acts, followed by Catalpa at The Gladstone.  Then there's A Midsummer Night's Dream at the NAC (which looks unbelievable!) and Look Back in Anger by Third Wall.  That's just for this week.  Next week I'm checking out Fires in the Mirror by NORT and Zadie's Shoes at the GCTC.  If I have time (which is looking doubtful, though who knows) I may also check out a show at the Canadian War Museum entitled ...and stocking for the ladies.

Seriously, people who think our city isn't vibrant with culture probably haven't checked out the current Ottawa theatre scene.

Is it sad that I really want a cookie right now?

Live from Ottawa, It's Opening Night!

I walk up a red carpet to get to work.  How wicked is that? Last night, my first (of many) forays into the world of professional acting began with the opening of David Lindsay-Abaire's Rabbit Hole at The Gladstone.  I am incredibly proud of this show.  We have a solid cast, an amazing director, an incredible set, and a Pulitzer Prize winning script.

Unfortunately, it's a drama and that seems to scare people away.

You see, the show is about a couple moving on with their lives after the death of their four year old son.  This is a far cry from the farce which launched the season at The Gladstone, but I'm here to tell you that it's not all death and depression.  There some incredible moments of humour (brought on mostly by yours truly) throughout that play that really lightens the mood and grounds everything even more so into reality.  Because life can be silly at times.

It is my fondest wish that everyone reading this note will take the time to check out the play.  This show will shake something inside of you and, trust me, you will come out a better person for it.

The Gladstone is currently offering a long-weekend special on admission.  All seats are $25 taxes included (as opposed to the usual $33.50 and $26.80 plus tax) for the shows taking place this Friday (tonight) and Saturday (both the matinee and evening performances).

Shows start at 8:00 pm Tuesday to Saturday, with matinees at 2:30 pm on Saturdays and Sundays (no show on Thanksgiving Sunday) until October 25th.

To reserve your spot, please call the box office at 613-233-4523.

I look forward to seeing you there!

************************************

Rabbit Hole – David Lindsay-Abaire

A Gladstone Production

Directed by Janet Irwin

October 9 – October 25, 2008

Featuring (alphabetically)

Brie Barker

Michele Fansett

Jesse Griffiths

Nancy Kenny

Maureen Smith

Toxic Shock

My initial elation at working on my first professional theatre production (Rabbit Hole at The Gladstone Theatre - get your tickets now!) has slowly given way to something else entirely. I don't think I realized how much of an adjustment leaving work would be.  My body is scared and it thinks the best way to protect me is by shutting everything down so that I stay safe at home in bed.  I've been getting sick.  I wake up in the morning with a lump in my throat.  I feel stuffed up and have trouble eating.  My stomach is constantly rumbling with problems of a bathroom nature; the details of which, I am sure, most of you would prefer if they were kept to myself.  I get anxiety attacks and at times it feels like a twenty pound weight is crushing my ribcage.  My mind wanders.  I forget what I was doing the day, the hour, the minute before.  Last night, I showed up at the theatre not only carrying two very different shoes (one was a high-heeled pump, the other a ballet flat), but they were for the same foot.

My mind and body are rebelling against this new lifestyle change.

I am going into shock.

I'm sure some people are thinking (because a little part of me thinks it too) well, why not give in?  Just get sick and stay in bed for a few days until you get better.  Unfortunately, I can't do that.  I can't just take the easy way out anymore and go hide under the covers like a gopher who's afraid because his shadow is so big.  I can't rest on my laurels.  I can't live on a plateau when I know the view is even better if I just keep climbing a little higher.

(How many more mixed metaphors can I squeeze in here?  Let's see...)

I've learned from past experience that the stronger my physical, visceral resistance to something is, the greater and sweeter the reward I receive when I finally manage to overcome it.

My soul knows that I am creating the right path for myself.  Evey time I show up to rehearsal and begin to say my first few lines, suddenly, I don't feel so sick anymore.  Now if my mind and body could please catch up...