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Save Me

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By Aimee Mann

You look like a perfect fit For a girl in need of a tourniquet

But can you save me Come on and save me If you could save me From the ranks of the freaks Who suspect they could never love anyone

'Cause I can tell You know what it's like The long farewell of the hunger strike

But can you save me Come on and save me If you could save me From the ranks of the freaks Who suspect they could never love anyone

You struck me dumb like radium Like Peter Pan or Superman

You will come to save me C'mon and save me If you could save me From the ranks of the freaks Who suspect they could never love anyone 'Cept the freaks Who suspect they could never love anyone But the freaks Who suspect they could never love anyone

C'mon and save me Why don't you save me If you could save me From the ranks of the freaks Who suspect they could never love anyone

Except the freaks Who suspect they could never love anyone Except the freaks who could never love anyone

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNbTC6xLVg0]

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Today, You're Broken

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I wish I could make the world a better place for you. I wish I could hug you and make it all go away. I wish I could make your heart sing again. I wish I could take all that weight you insist on carrying, throw it away and help you start fresh and light and free. I wish I could remove the veil from your beautiful eyes and see them sparkle and shine and laugh because I know that's what they were always meant to do. Today, you're broken and I can't fix you.

There are things you need to learn for yourself. There are mistakes you need to make, tunnels you need to go through, rivers you need to cross, plateaus where you need to stop and breathe (always breathe) and I can't go there. I have my own mistakes, my own tunnels, my own rivers and plateaus and I still need to learn to breathe (always breathe) again, some more. Our paths aren't meant to cross right now. Maybe later, but right now there's nothing I can do.

Today, you're broken and I can't fix you.

Please know that you are loved. Always loved. Forever loved. There are people out there who would move mountains for you, hail angels for you, raise sunshine for you and they would all do it with a smile. But we don't, because we know you'll smile more when you do it all yourself.

Today, you're broken and one day you'll fix you.

Was Love

By Captain Ahab (seen in the Caprica episode - Gravedancing - free download here)

[bandcamp track=4093923853 size=venti bgcol=FFFFFF linkcol=4285BB]

The sun is rising, it's the end of the last night. The dawn is breaking us into pieces of you and me. If this is what you truly desire, I'll do what I can to help you. But as you gather your records, your books, and your clothes; I'll try to remind you: That all this time, the only thing I've wanted to teach you ... Was Love.

You carried me on your shoulders, never let me fall. You screamed in my face with a passion that humbled me. I thought I was singing a song of peace, but I started a war. And now as I suffer before your anger, Please try to realize that all my life, the only thing I wanted to teach you ... Was Love.

Was love the reason that everything fell apart? Or were you and I the ones to blame? No matter the cause, the only thing I wanted to teach you ... Was Love.

We stand together at the edge of time. Blame is meaningless. Life was meaningless. The only thing that ever existed ... (was love)

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Twilight Galaxy

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By Metric Did they tell you, you should grow up When you wanted to dream? Did they warn you, better shape up If you want to succeed? I don't know about you, who are they talking to? They aren't talking to me.

I'm higher than high, lower than deep. I'm doing it wrong, singing along.

Did I ask you for attention When affection is what I need? Thinking sorrow is perfection I'd wallow 'til you told me There's no glitter in the gutter There's no twilight galaxy.

Go higher than high Lower than deep Keep doing it wrong Singing along

I'm higher than high Lower than deep Doing it wrong And singing along

I'm alright, c'mon baby, I've seen all the demons that you've got. If you're not alright, now c'mon baby, I'll pick you up and take you where you want.

Anywhere you want Anywhere you want Anywhere you want Anything you want

I'm higher than high Lower than deep Doing it wrong And singing along

Higher than high Lower than deep Doing it wrong Singing along

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l41xyYs_dks]

I Make The Dough, You Get The Glory

By Kathleen Edwards Blazing a trail to the southern cities from the streets of our hometown. Basement bars, we played from the heart in the company of our friends. If I write down these memories that I have saved away, Photographs of the years that have passed inside my little brain.

You're cool and cred like Fogerty, I'm Elvis Presley in the 70s. You're Chateauneuf, I'm Yellow Label. You're the buffet, I'm just the table. I'm a Ford Tempo, you're a Maserati. You're The Great One, I'm Marty McSorley. You're the Concorde, I'm Economy. I make the dough, but you get the glory.

Big fish, small pond and some cover songs that we sang along the way. We used to midnight run to The Vesta Lounge - cheese burgers and chocolate shakes. And once I got drunk with Jeff, I told him I was in love with you. But I love you like a brother so I guess that half of it was true.

And you're cool and cred like Fogerty, I'm Elvis Presley in the 70s. You're Chateauneuf, I'm Yellow Label. You're the buffet, I'm just the table. I'm a Dodge Fargo, you're a Lamborghini. You're The Great One, I'm Marty McSorley. You're the Concorde, I'm Economy. I make the dough, but you get the glory.

If I write down these memories that I have saved away, Photographs of the years that have passed inside my little brain.

I'm sure it's been said in the finer print you make me look legitimate. Heavy rotation on the CBC, whatever in hell that really means. You're cool and cred like Fogerty, I'm Elvis Presley in the 70s. You're the Concorde, I'm Economy. I make the dough, but you get the glory.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1m69S1dfrak]

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If You Want Me

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By Glen Hansard & Marketa IrglovaFeatured in the motion picture Once

Are you really here or am I dreaming? I can't tell dreams from truth. For it's been so long since I have seen you, I can hardly remember your face anymore.

When I get really lonely And the distance causes our silence, I think of you smiling With pride in your eyes, a lover that sighs.

If you want me satisfy me, if you want me satisfy me, If you want me satisfy me, if you want me satisfy me.

Are you really sure that you’d believe me When others say I lie? I wonder if you could ever despise me When you know I really try To be a better one to satisfy you, For you're everything to me. And I’ll do what you ask me If you’ll let me be free.

If you want me satisfy me, if you want me satisfy me, If you want me satisfy me, if you want me satisfy me, If you want me satisfy me, if you want me satisfy me.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBLDP0Etp3Y]

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My Own Six Feet Under

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I lovingly blame Camus and my grandmother for this post. For the past, maybe fifteen years or so, my mother has been the proud owner of a convenience store in small-town New Brunswick. Although it hasn't always been that way, thanks to an incredible amount of dedication, hard work and self-sacrifice on my mom's part, it is now quite a profitable business. That said, after all these years, you get tired and, for probably the past five or more, I've been hearing her speak of retirement.

But you know how it goes:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPw-3e_pzqU]

At some point, when my grandmother was sick and in palliative care, she asked my mother what she was doing. She thought my mother was done. Why was she still working at that store? My mother didn't really have a good answer.

My grandmother passed away a year ago this week. When everything was said and done, my mother went in to pay the funeral director and they had a bit of a chat. The director was very impressed with my mother's business savvy and how she treats her employees. He asked her to go into business with him.

My mother took it as a sign, or more likely a little cosmic joke from my grandmother, and since last year, she has now been the proud co-owner of a series of funeral homes. And by extension, I am the proud co-owner of a series of funeral homes.

It was a weird holiday season in many ways. My mom and I watched the entire first season of Six Feet Under on DVD. December was a busy month with lots of new clients coming in (you understand what I mean by that, right?) and I joined my mother at one of the funeral homes.

The funeral director is an incredibly kind and pleasant man. Honestly, you have never seen someone better suited to his job. He spoke to me in excited tones as my mother gave me a tour. The creepy factor was semi-high, but what creeped me out even more was the fact that I found this all to be so... normal. Perhaps 13 episodes of SFU had already prepared me for all this.

There is one small room that was filled with coffins. Seriously, jam packed. They were lining the walls from floor to ceiling. Some of them were open to show you the lining and they all came in a variety of colours. I kept expecting someone to climb out of a closed casket, but that's just silly.

The dead bodies were in the other room.

The funeral director asked me if I wanted to see the preparation room. There was 'someone' in there and that I didn't have to go if I was scared. I think the colour drained from my face as I bravely muttered that I wasn't scared and I would go have a look. My mother laughed.

I was expecting the prep room to be bigger. They have the whole basement of a house in SFU, but this room was no bigger than my bedroom (eesh, I can't believe I made THAT connection). A very large man was laid out under a sheet with his feet facing the door. I didn't go in to see his face, because all I could stare at was a very blue foot with a very long toenail peeking out from beneath the sheet. There were jars and instruments and a big giant tube than ran from the man all the way into a toilet on the side of the room. My mind was racing: part scared and part contemplating the beautiful framing of this shot if it ever was a movie.

Because it was beautiful.

From the office, I could see someone had been laid out for a viewing. I couldn't see the person's head because the door frame was in the way, but once again I thought about camera angles and framing. The director (funny how he's also called a director) told me about the kinds of conversations he has with people who bring in a loved (and sometimes not-so-loved) one. It's crazy the level of humanity he is witness to on a daily basis; the things people still try to hide, even in death; the level of uncomfortableness around the subject; the family dynamics...

It gives you a lot to think about and I still do, even a month later.

Convenient Veggies

Here's a little something you may not know about me. Since probably August/September, I've been making a conscious effort to have at least one "meatless" meal per day. There are a couple of reasons for this: - I have a guilt factor when I eat meat. Ever see that Simpsons' episode where Lisa becomes a vegetarian? "Liiiiiiiiisa, I thought you loooooooooooved me." Yeah. That.

- Consuming less meat has been shown have great environmental and health benefits, as I learned from the absolute authority that is Wikipedia.

- A surprisingly large number of my friends are vegetarians which makes it easy to enjoy a meal.

- But the number one reason I've been cutting back on meat? It's just too expensive. Yeah, I know, I'm a great humanitarian here. Just worried about my bottom line. The ends still justify the means though, right? Or did I miss a memo?

Anyway, don't get me wrong, I don't consider myself a vegetarian. Fish and seafood don't count as "meat" in my book. And, well, over the holidays, all bets were kind of off when it came to what I ate.

That said, once I was back in town, the lack of meat in my fridge and the ready availability of vegetarian restaurants around my workplace (I'm kind of drooling as I think about Viva Loca's tomato, cheese and pesto panini on jalapeno bread), means that I've suddenly realized I hadn't eaten meat in the last four days (and the last four days before that). Didn't plan it that way, it just happened.

My reason for talking about all this now? Yesterday was Tuesday. Tuesday is typically wing night with a good buddy of mine. I had trouble finishing my wings this time. The guilt factor was stronger than usual (Was that a tendon? *gulp*) and there was an odd rumbling in my tummy. Perhaps the early signs of revolt. Some of it even looked undercooked, though I was assured that was all in my head. Either way, I couldn't finish my plate and so passed it on to my friend. A few hours later and I'm having problems. Problems that require the most immediate access to a washroom.

This morning, I'm still not feeling all that well, but we've got a media call today for BASH'd so I'm trying to ignore it (I'm so smart aren't I?)

Now, to be fair, just when I was ready to lay the blame on all of this on the evil chicken flesh I ingested into my body, I got twittered this PSA from the City of Ottawa (yes, the City is on Twitter!)

It seems something is going around of the gastrointestinal variety although, I had actually made sure to thoroughly clean my hands yesterday because we were at the dirty Oak.

Then again, who knows? I just wanted to get a bit of a conversation going on the merits/demerits of eating meat. Feel free to get things started below.

Gravity

By Sara Bareilles Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long. No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch. You keep me without chains. I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

[CHORUS:] Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be. But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile. When I thought that I was strong. But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

[CHORUS]

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on The ground. But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go. The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_U6iSAn_fY]

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Tequila Sunset, Porcelain Sunrise

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Since I've actually got a lot on my mind that I want to hash out, I am now unofficially dubbing this New Year's Week Blogtacular. Stay tuned over the next couple of days as I endeavour to write a post a day. Everyone from news outlets to good friends have compiled a decade in review, which got me thinking about my own past. That said, I'm probably just going to gloss over a lot in the last ten years and put more emphasis on 2009 in another post since it was one heck of a year for me.

Y2K started off pretty piss poorly. I was back home in New Brunswick for the holidays after completing my first semester of my first year of university in Ottawa. I decided to celebrate at a friend's party with a mickey of tequila and a mini bottle of champagne. Possibly anticipating the end of the world, I drank the whole thing. I rang in the new century praying madly to the Porcelain God for him to make it all go away (hence the title of this post). I still can't drink (or smell) tequila without getting violently ill (as I discovered on my birthday in 2009 - but that's a story for another day). I believe 2000 was also the year I got cast in my first lead role in Beth Henley's Crimes of the Heart at the U of O, got elected to serve professionally on the university's student council, went home for the summer only to realize you really can't go home again, got cast in my second lead role (this time it was The Lark), dropped out of school for a semester so I could do both the play and my student council job... and most of this happened before I even turned 19... wow, I didn't realize the year 2000 was such a busy one!

By 2001, things had deteriorated on student council, my roommate and I weren't getting along and I overcompensated for it all by eating and drinking way to much. I almost got kicked off student council because of an incident involving my drinking (one that I am not proud of, but that is pretty darn funny ten years later - again, story for another day) and I swore of booze for the rest of the year. I ran for student council again, but lost. I was devastated but found solace in my first grownup relationship, which would last for close to 6 years.

I honestly can't really remember much of 2002, except that I mostly laid low, organized a few events, wasn't cast in anything, fell in and out of depression, and probably wasn't a really great person to be around at that time.

In 2003, after cheering wildly at a Gee Gee's game, I was spotted by the Promotions Officer for Sports Services who immediately offered me a job on her team. So began my introduction to the world of Marketing and Promotions. I kept up one of my earlier electoral promises (even though I hadn't won) to create the First Annual University of Ottawa Arts Week, which was picked up by Maclean's Magazine as one of their Best Bets for the 2004 campus edition. I also focused on my studies and managed to pump up my grade point average in my last year from a decent B to an A (though this would not really matter for my overall CGPA, unfortunately).

I graduated from the U of O in 2004 with a B.A. Honours in Theatre and a Concentration in Political Science, as well as an additional B.A. Concentration in Canadian Studies. Yes, I have two university degrees. I got my first full-time job out of school working for Sports Services and got my very first acting agent. I also started my first blog.

My contract at Sports Services ended in 2005 and was not renewed. I was hurt but decided maybe this was the right time to take the professional acting plunge. Unfortunately, I didn't do much more than community theatre and watch a lot of daytime reruns on TV. I had moved in with my boyfriend at this point and I was becoming incredibly lazy. Then I was approached by my friend Linda from school to audition for a play she was putting on with her boyfriend Chris. I didn't want to audition because I thought Chris hated me, but I did anyway because Linda insisted. I landed the part and, grosso modo, Evolution Theatre (frankly, all thanks to Linda!) was born. This was also the year that my amazing friend Claudia introduced me to Michele Lonsdale Smith and my life as an actor was shifting into completely new ground.

By 2006, I needed a job and did a brief stint at the Magnetic North Theatre Festival. Acting was still mostly community work, though I did land my first union credit for an internet video which you can still see here.

I became restless in almost every part of my life in 2007. I landed a full-time job working for the Canadian Museum of Civilization and the Canadian War Museum in their Marketing Department and wondered why I was so hurt that Sports Services didn't keep me on since this job was waaaaay better! I also got braces that year. I ended things with my boyfriend and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Then I went and bought my own house which has now become my oasis in this crazy world. I also wrote my first play which I produced for the Ottawa Fringe Festival.

In 2008, I fired my agent and found another since I was getting all my own work anyway. After getting cast in my first professional film and theatre gigs, I decided to leave the museum (after getting promoted, no less) for acting. The braces also came off during the summer and I caught my first show at the Stratford Theatre Festival: Caesar and Cleopatra, starring Christopher Plummer.

And this brings us to 2009 (blog post coming tomorrow!)

Call It Off

By Tegan and Sara I won't regret saying this, This thing That I'm saying. Is it better than Keeping my mouth shut? That goes without saying. Call, break it off. Call, break my own heart. Maybe I would have been Something you'd be good at. Maybe you would have been Something I'd be good at. But now, we'll never know. I won't be sad But in case I'll go there Everyday, To make myself feel bad; There's a chance I'll start to wonder If this was the thing to do. I won't be out long But I still think it better if You take your time Coming over here. I think that's for the best. Call, break it off. Call, break my own heart. Maybe I would have been Something you'd be good at. Maybe you would have been Something I'd be good at. But now, We'll never know. I won't be sad But in case I'll go there Everyday, To make myself feel bad. There's a chance I'll start to wonder If this was the thing to do. I'll start to wonder If this was the thing to do.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ij9F-ZX9T3g]

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No Rest for the Wicked

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Dear Sleep, I know we haven't been on the best of terms lately and, although I think most of the blame lies with your commitment issues, I am willing to be the bigger person here by putting all that behind us. I think the root of our conflict lies in the fact that you are a big fucking tease. You just come in at all hours of the day or night, you make me all happy to see you, and then, instead of sticking around for some cuddle time like we used to, you just up and leave. What is up with that? I'm all for a booty call every once in a while, but let's have some moderation please! What happened to us? It was China, wasn't it?

Listen, I've got a pretty big day tomorrow filled with a lot of running around. I know, I know, when do I not have a day filled with running around? But this one is different. You see, I've got this event I've kinda organized and it's a bit of a big deal. It involves diplomats. You really wouldn't want to be blamed for some kind of international incident, would you sleep?

Also, please, don't decide to show up all of a sudden at my big event either. You know I'm powerless to resist you. If you're there with me, other people might think you are an appropriate guest to bring to the theatre.

I know I sound harsh, but it's just that I miss you so much, you know, and it's driving me a little crazy. It's just not the same without you around anymore. So how about we try and work things out tonight? I've cleaned the sheets and everything.

What do you say?

Love,

Insomnia in Ottawa

Gratitude

Happy Thanksgiving! I don't think we ever celebrated Thanksgiving when I was growing up. At least, I don't remember. One of my earliest memories of celebration are from my first year in university when I was asked to join a friend's family. It seems fitting then that that's what I did again this year.

People often say that holidays are too commercial. Why do we need a specific day to say thank you or I love you or boo. The thing is, we get so busy with everything going on in our lives that we sometimes just forget something as simple as thank you.

I'm feeling incredibly overwhelmed today. I've come to realize that jet-lag is not a myth and that my body has been thrown completely out of whack. One minute I'm gleeful over turkey, the next I'm crying over cat hair. I'm passing out in various locations and I'm confused as to what I should be eating right now. (Wait, is this breakfast? Then why am I eating a TV dinner?)

In order not to succumb to feelings of desperation and out-of-placedness (if Shakespeare was allowed to create his own words...), I've decided to take a moment, on this day of thanks, to objectively remember what I am grateful for.

I am grateful for my friends and the absolutely limitless amount of love and support I feel coming out of them.

I am grateful for my family. Our relationship over the past two years seems to have evolved into everything I could have ever hoped for.

I am grateful for my beautiful home and the safety it provides me.

I am grateful for art, and the theatre in particular, for nourishing my soul.

I am grateful for music and its ability to move me.

I am grateful for my body and its ability to move.

I am grateful for my cat who only knows love and snuggles.

I am grateful for this world and all its corners I have yet to explore.

I am grateful that I remember the low points are only there to remind me how wonderful the high points can be.

What are you grateful for?

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Xie Xie, Beijing, Me Love You Long Time

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I'm home. Was I really just in China? I've got the material evidence to prove it, but it was such a whirlwind adventure, it's almost hard to believe. The Coles Notes version of the trip:

We arrived after a thirteen hour flight in Executive Class (OMG, I was so spoiled!), met our tour guide at the airport and checked into the hotel. Neither my friend nor I had been able to sleep on the plane, even though our individual seats, located inside a semi-private pod, laid flat out into a bed. So after a quick tour of the hotel, we immediately crashed.

Our first morning in China, we had breakfast before heading off to Tienanmen Square and the (not-so) Forbidden City. Since we arrived during the National Holiday, it was kind of like trying to explore downtown Ottawa on Canada Day. After lunch, we were then herded off to the absolutely exquisite Summer Palace. We even got to take a Dragon Boat across the lake (not the kind of dragon boat you row, an actual boat with a dragon statue at the helm). We were absolutely exhausted at this point and told that we had a free evening that night. That said, we were given the option, if we wanted to pay a bit extra, to see a show... Even on vacation I can't miss out on seeing a play. My friend went back to the hotel and I went to see Chun Yi - The Legend of Kung Fu. The show was mostly in English (and has played in Vancouver if the giant lobby posters were any indication) and was very entertaining spectacle, though I tried desperately not to nod off due to pure exhaustion. It was a very simple story with lots of acrobatics, music and dance. I don't know if this was a more traditional form of Chinese theatre or the Mirvish form of Chinese theatre, but I did have fun. Plus, there was a little boy who sang with the voice of an angel. Don't ever hit puberty, kid.

On day two, after breakfast, we arrived at a Jade Factory in Beijing and I won a free pendant for answering a trivia question. Then we headed out to the Ming Tombs. The Sacred Way, a row of 36 statues set along the path towards the tomb was probably the most relaxing part of the trip. Then, after lunch, we were off to the GREAT WALL! My friend and I climbed up to the highest point of the North Pass, also known as Badaling. I was really proud of us and what I can only classify as the greatest hike ever. It was at this point that I was almost disappointed we were with a group because I would have loved to keep walking along the wall. We then went to a local tea house and got to try a variety of traditional Chinese teas (and spend way too much money to buy some of my own, but I think it was worth it) and checked out the Beijing National Stadium - at least from the outside. It looks phenomenal at night. In fact, most of downtown Beijing with it's crazy architecture and inclination towards light shows looks amazing at night.

Day three and we were off to the Temple of Heaven. In the park surrounding the Temple, people practiced Tai Chi, ballroom dancing, played cards and music. Though I was kind of templed out at this point, that was pretty cool and worth the vendor hassles (there are no panhandlers in China, at least not that I saw, because everyone seems to be trying to sell you something on the street). Then we had a brief stopover at a silk factory, learning how silk is made, before checking out the Pearl Market (where I got me two really nice knock off bags!). I was glad to have my friend with me, as I realized bargaining with the vendors was not my strong suit. What can I say? I want to be nice. Then we got a rickshaw tour of a Hutong and visited a local woman's home.

If that wasn't enough, we then went and saw what our guide called a "cultural show," the Golden Mask Dynasty. If I thought the Kung Fu show had spectacle, I hadn't seen nothing yet. Someone in our group asked how you would describe what we saw. All I could say was this: "It was an epic anime fairy tale that would only be created if the Cirque du Soleil had an illegitimate love-child with the National Ballet for the sole purpose of making Robert Lepage jealous." Seriously people, they had a flood ON STAGE. A real, live flood! I was in the third row and got back splash. It was awesome and I can forgive the absolutely atrocious English surtitles and complete lack of concrete plot just for that. After some Peking Duck with dinner, our tour was officially over, but my friend and I used our last free day to visit the Silk Market and the Beijing Zoo to see the Pandas. The zoo, unfortunately, just made us sad. The animals do not seem like they are well treated. Cages are too small, animals are often separated from each other (even the docile ones) and, even though it is CLEARLY indicated that people should not feed the animals, people throw any and everything into the pits. It was disgusting. If you're ever in Beijing, don't bother going to the zoo.

All in all though, I had an amazing trip and would probably go back again if the opportunity presented itself. Back in Ottawa, I've hit the ground running (literally, as I've started jogging again) and have a sense of joy and hopefulness about my life once again. I feel like anything is possible right now and I'm going to hang on to that feeling for as long as I can.

Now, what's this jet lag I keep hearing about?

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In Loving Memory of my Friend

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Yesterday morning, after a battle with cancer, my friend, Jan Murray, died peacefully in her sleep. I hadn't know Jan for a very long time. In fact, before this summer, you probably would have considered us acquaintances. All that changed when we were paired up for an intensive acting workshop this past August. That's when we started spending every single day together.

The news of her passing came as an absolute shock to me. Yes, I knew she was sick, but she had beaten it before.

This isn't the first death I've experienced in my life this year. My grandmother passed away in late January. But she was done with life. When I saw Jan, I saw a woman so full of life that, in my mind, there was no way she was nearing the end.

I remember when we started working together, Jan told me one of the first times she saw me was in the very same class we were attending and she was so impressed and inspired by my me. I was confused. She had it backwards. I had seen her work in that class (she was doing a scene from The Graduate) and I was not only impressed by her work, but inspired by her life story.

Here was a woman who had overcome so much, including a major illness, and she was glowing. Jan always glowed. She simply looked stunning.

We worked together on John Patrick Shanley's Doubt, a play that will now have a very different meaning for me. Jan was always so keen and prepared. She'd get frustrated and apologetic for not being able to remember the lines so well, even though I kept telling her it didn't matter since someone would be on book. But we'd meet every day to have tea and run lines. And we'd talk. About our lives, about her son, her volunteer work, theatre in Ottawa and yes, her illness.

I enjoyed our talks, but I'd always tune out at that last one.

It was naive, I know, but part of me, I guess, believed in this healing power of the theatre and the work we were doing. Besides, when we were performing the scenes together, there was no way you would think that woman was dying.

I'll always remember a dancing Sister Aloysius.

In an odd twist, as costume pieces, I brought in a crucifix and rosary that belonged to my grandmother. Though I am not religious, I do believe in symbols and spirituality. I have been carrying that rosary around with me wherever I go. I carry it for Jan now too.

Jan Murray is my friend. I love her and I miss her.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_tIss1OhGM]

Ara Batur (The Row Boat) by Sigur Ros

Lyric Translation

You tried everything Yes, a thousand times Experienced enough Been through enough But you it was who let everything Into my heart and you it was who once again Awoke my spirit

I parted, you parted

You stir up Emotions In a blender Everything in disarray But it was you who was always There for me It was you who never judged My true friend

I parted, you parted

You sail on rivers With an old oar Leaking badly You swim to shore Pushed the waves away But to no avail You float on the sea Sleep on the surface Light through the fog

I parted, you parted

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Rewriting the Inner Monologue

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Stop.Just stop it. It's over. That was then, this is now. Time to move on, carry on, pick up, get up, go. You're stronger than this. This? This is nothing. You've been through worse and you will again. But right now? Stop. Just stop it.

Breathe. Always remember to breathe.

Look. Look at you. No, seriously, look. Don't turn your head away. Open your eyes. You're beautiful, you know. Yes, you do know. But it's easy to forget sometimes. Why do you always seem to forget the good and never the bad? Stop. Just stop it.

Breathe. Always remember to breathe.

It's ok. No, really, it's ok. Be sad. Be angry. Be frustrated. Be relieved. Be. Cry like a baby. Scream, yell, curse. Take all day if you need to. But don't shut down. Don't hide. Don't pretend you are alone in this world. Because you're not. Stop. Just stop it.

Breathe. Always remember to breathe.

Feel the love. It's there. You know it's there. In and around. Your heart. Not alone. Never alone. Too much love to be alone. Joyful girl. Don't. Don't stop.

Breathe. Always remember to breathe.

Live It Out / Gimme Sympathy

By Metric On the day we were supposed to leave You changed your mind at the station You had a nice apartment There was a good bar downstairs Your old friend worked there

I'll go anyway, I'll go anyway They won't refund the ticket It's a good story

But I don't want to live it alone Crash to take a chance I wanna live it out I know I'm already dead No concrete adversity Only traps of our own actions How we wanted it to be Now I'm never gonna see you again You turned off

Vertabrae by vertebrae Roll your way out of a coma Look up, the nurse is smiling What luck, the nurse is me Your old body is dead Your body's dead, you're a word instead In my sleep I repeat it It's a good story

But I don't want to live it alone Crash to take a chance We were gonna live it out Look at you, you're already dead How will you remember me Digging ditches out of boredom Said you could never leave Now you're never gonna be here again You checked out

Hope, I'll live it out

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_tsD3Dyfnc&feature=related]

Get hot Get too close to the flame Wild open space Talk like an open book Sign me up Got no time to take a picture I'll remember someday All the chances we took

We're so close to something better left unknown We're so close to something better left unknown

I can feel it in my bones Gimme sympathy After all this is gone Who would you rather be The Beatles or The Rolling Stones? Oh seriously You're gonna make mistakes, you're young Come on baby play me something, Like: Here Comes the Sun

Don't go Stay with the all unknown Stay away from the hooks All the chances we took

We're so close to something better left unknown We're so close to something better left unknown

I can feel it in my bones Gimme sympathy After all this is gone Who would you rather be The Beatles or The Rolling Stones? Oh seriously You're gonna make mistakes, you're young Come on baby play me something, Like: Here Comes the Sun

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LqldwoDXHKg&feature=related