Today, You're Broken

I wish I could make the world a better place for you. I wish I could hug you and make it all go away. I wish I could make your heart sing again. I wish I could take all that weight you insist on carrying, throw it away and help you start fresh and light and free. I wish I could remove the veil from your beautiful eyes and see them sparkle and shine and laugh because I know that's what they were always meant to do. Today, you're broken and I can't fix you.

There are things you need to learn for yourself. There are mistakes you need to make, tunnels you need to go through, rivers you need to cross, plateaus where you need to stop and breathe (always breathe) and I can't go there. I have my own mistakes, my own tunnels, my own rivers and plateaus and I still need to learn to breathe (always breathe) again, some more. Our paths aren't meant to cross right now. Maybe later, but right now there's nothing I can do.

Today, you're broken and I can't fix you.

Please know that you are loved. Always loved. Forever loved. There are people out there who would move mountains for you, hail angels for you, raise sunshine for you and they would all do it with a smile. But we don't, because we know you'll smile more when you do it all yourself.

Today, you're broken and one day you'll fix you.

Friends Don't Let Friends Get IAS (Idiot Actor Syndrome)

Thanks to Simon at The Next Stage Magazine for putting this up. I couldn't help but share. It probably won't be funny to you unless you're an actor, but it does involve Rainn Wilson. [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3cug1dsBA4&feature=player_embedded]

I want a Thespian sponsor!

Twilight Galaxy

By Metric Did they tell you, you should grow up When you wanted to dream? Did they warn you, better shape up If you want to succeed? I don't know about you, who are they talking to? They aren't talking to me.

I'm higher than high, lower than deep. I'm doing it wrong, singing along.

Did I ask you for attention When affection is what I need? Thinking sorrow is perfection I'd wallow 'til you told me There's no glitter in the gutter There's no twilight galaxy.

Go higher than high Lower than deep Keep doing it wrong Singing along

I'm higher than high Lower than deep Doing it wrong And singing along

I'm alright, c'mon baby, I've seen all the demons that you've got. If you're not alright, now c'mon baby, I'll pick you up and take you where you want.

Anywhere you want Anywhere you want Anywhere you want Anything you want

I'm higher than high Lower than deep Doing it wrong And singing along

Higher than high Lower than deep Doing it wrong Singing along

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l41xyYs_dks]

People Who Need People

Have you ever really taken a good look at the people who surround you? I mean, a really good look. Who are they? Why are they there in your life at this very moment? I've often been under the mistaken assumption that I am alone. I live by myself and don't have a significant other. In my mind, as well intentioned as the cat may be, that means I am alone. However, this past month has shown me how false that statement truly is.

January has been an odd month filled with transitions, adjustments, and even a few disappointments. There's always a certain level of challenge that comes from change and I have to tell you that there were times when I wasn't sure I could deal with it all. A new job, more doubts on my artistic abilities (though to be honest, that's nothing new), family trouble, a loss of inspiration... I know it doesn't seem like much, but sometimes the little things add up for even the strongest of people.

That said, whenever I thought it was just too much, whenever I felt like I didn't know where I was going any more, whenever I just started to panic about it all, somehow there was always someone there to fall back on. Hindsight is 20/20, and I didn't realize it at the time, but I got exactly the kind of help I needed at the right time.

One of those amazing, helpful people actually forwarded this little note to me not too long ago about the types who might be walking in and out of your life. I encourage you to have a read (it's short) and take a moment to reflect on who those people might be in your own world.

So to everyone who's around for a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime, I'd just like to say thank you.

I couldn't do it without you.

If You Want Me

By Glen Hansard & Marketa IrglovaFeatured in the motion picture Once

Are you really here or am I dreaming? I can't tell dreams from truth. For it's been so long since I have seen you, I can hardly remember your face anymore.

When I get really lonely And the distance causes our silence, I think of you smiling With pride in your eyes, a lover that sighs.

If you want me satisfy me, if you want me satisfy me, If you want me satisfy me, if you want me satisfy me.

Are you really sure that you’d believe me When others say I lie? I wonder if you could ever despise me When you know I really try To be a better one to satisfy you, For you're everything to me. And I’ll do what you ask me If you’ll let me be free.

If you want me satisfy me, if you want me satisfy me, If you want me satisfy me, if you want me satisfy me, If you want me satisfy me, if you want me satisfy me.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBLDP0Etp3Y]

So You Wanted A Sign

I was having a bad day. It was one of those days where everything was going wrong: I slept through my alarm. I ripped my shirt. I gave myself a charlie-horse putting on boots. I watched my bus drive away two minutes early and the next one was five minutes late. I ran out of bus tickets (you know, since I lost my bus pass two weeks ago). My key pass wouldn't work in the building door so I was locked out. Everyone I tried to call for help was in a meeting. I arrived late for said meeting. My computer wouldn't work. When it finally did work, I couldn't get access to certain programs I needed nor could I get it to print. My Rogers service suddenly cut out on my phone. I lost my favorite sweater somewhere (if I knew where it wouldn't be lost now would it?) I got stood up (again). But what really made me go crazy, what really did me in was the fucking (I'm French, I can use that word) elevator being out of service. Since the previously mentioned key was not working, this meant I could not take the stairs or I would be locked out of the building (again). I had finally decided that I was going to give up, grab some readings and have lunch, but I couldn't even do that. I felt trapped. I felt nauseous. I felt like the walls were closing in and I just had to get out. It seems so stupid. I don't have a bad life. I have a roof over my head. I have food in the fridge. I'm employed. I work with nice people. I have my health. My world was not literally shaken up by an Act of God (or you know, whomever that was). I'm not stuck in the middle of a war. I just had to spend an extra 15 minutes on the floor I worked on. That's all. And I panicked. In a fight or flight situation, apparently I choose flight.

People think I have my shit together, but frankly, I don't have a fucking clue.

So I ran away. I'm good at that. Years of practice. I contacted a friend for support who immediately told me to join her at the Rideau Centre for a hug. Since I am a firm believer that a great hug can solve everything, I did just that.

Getting back on the bus, I noticed that someone had forgotten a book in the seat. I felt bad. I've lost things before (see above, re: bus pass & sweater) and I hate when that happens. Then of course the selfish part of me thought how much I love books and hey, what's one more? But I shoved that aside and opened the cover to see whom it might belong to. It turns out it didn't belong to anybody. No, no, not in a "there was no name on the cover kind of way." The book actually belongs to everybody. This book is a traveling book. It's been logged onto a site called BookCrossing. Now, I had heard of such things before, but I had never actually encountered one.

Could this be a sign? This book is about philosophy and life and probably holds all the answers my soul has been longing for. In my darkness, could this be the beacon of light I was hoping, nay yearning for? Could it be? Could it?

The book? The Outsider (or The Stranger or L'étranger) by Camus.

Uh, yeah. Have you read this book? I now have. Let's just say I may have been a tad too exuberant in quest for answers. My realization: if you're feeling bummed out, Albert Camus may not be the best guy to go out for lunch with... you know, even if he were still alive. Which he isn't. Which probably doesn't matter to him anyway since life is pretty much meaningless. At least that's what I got from the read.

I got a sign alright. A sign that The Universe was having a laugh.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1SK3y1a8TYs]

It did get me thinking however, in existentialism and the absurdity of life and all those other things I had to look up through Wikipedia because I couldn't remember exactly what they were from my first year philosophy and political thought classes in university. So I open up the floor (or the comment section or whatever) for a meaningful philosophical discussion.

Go nuts everybody! In the meantime, I'll be dropping this book off at a coffee shop somewhere in the hopes that someone else gets a little more out of it than I did.

Goals for 2010

I don't like the term "Resolution". It sounds so final. I much prefer to go with goals. For some reason, I haven't really blogged about my yearly goals before (probably because I don't want to be reminded when I drop them sometime around February...) Here are a few things that I want to focus on throughout the year:

- Now some of you may already know this, but a few days before I left home for the holidays, my desktop computer had a minor explosion. After careful examination, I'm quite certain it's the power supply that blew, which is cool because it means my hard drives should be intact. Though at first I was pretty annoyed by this turn of events, I can't help but think it's really for the best. You see, my computer is in my room, facing my bed. It's always on and a constant source of background noise. Silence and stillness scare me. I think this may be a sign that I need to stop making so much noise and get used to sitting in the quiet for a little while. In addition, my second set of headphones has now died on me. I think I may take my time in replacing them, just so I pay more attention to the world around me when I'm out. (That said, if any computer people out there know if it's best to simply replace the power supply or get a new computer, please let me know! I will need to get this fixed eventually, just not right now.)

- I've also got my laptop. Unfortunately, I've gotten into a really nasty habit (even before my desktop broke down) of using my laptop on my bed. I'm finding it to be somewhat unhealthy. I'm on my computer all the time and yet I'm quite often distracted from my work by video games and online TV shows. I've decided that I won't be using my laptop in my room anymore and I'm reclaiming my dining room table (which will disappoint the cat, I'm sure). I'm also going to be scheduling specific time to work on stuff. It's time I stop multi-tasking and focus on just one thing at a time. If my trip to China taught me anything, it's that the world did not blow up when I was away from my computer for a week (not saying I'm going to be away from my computer for a week, but I'm going to be cutting back). My bed will now solely be used for sleeping, movie watching, and well, that other thing you do in bed... let's see if it's going to be a good year or not.

- Speaking of scheduling work time, I've decided to set aside three hours a week where I will do nothing but write plays. It's time I take responsibility for my writing and quit flaking out on it so much. Once I know my new work schedule (yes, I'm starting a new job this year, more on that in tomorrow's post!), my writing time will be fixed and nothing can interrupt it (except maybe an audition, in which case I must immediately reschedule said writing time).

- I'm going to complete a 5K race. I've been training for some time now and I am almost ready. If this goes well, I may upgrade to 10K before the year is over. I've also been looking into a Try a Tri (5K race, 10K bike ride, 200m swim) - this may or may not happen this year, but I'm working towards it. Note to self, get a bike.

- Oh and there's another kind of bike I really want to get my hands on. I'm being deliberately vague here because of certain people who might be reading. If you're curious, just ask me in private.

- I've got a new agent in Ottawa and I'm pretty thrilled about it. I'm hoping I know this is going to lead to bigger and better audition opportunities in 2010. That said, my agent handles Ottawa and Montreal so I'm still looking for someone to represent me in Toronto. My goal for 2010? Get a Toronto agent and be triple carded (ACTRA, Equity and UdA) by the end of the year.

- Keep taking classes and gain new skills. I love learning. I'm an eternal student and I don't plan on stopping this year. I'd like to pursue more classes in voice, movement, and clown this year, but I won't be limiting myself to just that. Perhaps some dancing might be in the cards?

- Travel more! Is it weird that I actually love living out of my suitcase and sleeping on other people's couches? I don't know if it's in the cards, but I'd love to do another big trip in 2010. I've got the bug! Perhaps this might finally be the year I visit Vancouver for the first time as well?

A couple goals I've had for years now but I've never truly acted on - we'll see if 2010 will be any different:

- I've had a violin for almost two years and I still don't know how to play it. This needs to change! If anyone has some links they could send me on learning the violin online (I know the NAC has something like that, but I can't seem to find it at the moment).

- Learn another language. My Spanish is very basic and I want it to get better.

- Get out of credit card debt. It's doable (and I'll talk about work a bit more tomorrow), but it just never seems to go away, does it?

I'm going to leave it at this for now. I'm curious to know what some of your goals might be for the New Year. Please feel free to post in the comment section and let me know!

Tequila Sunset, Porcelain Sunrise

Since I've actually got a lot on my mind that I want to hash out, I am now unofficially dubbing this New Year's Week Blogtacular. Stay tuned over the next couple of days as I endeavour to write a post a day. Everyone from news outlets to good friends have compiled a decade in review, which got me thinking about my own past. That said, I'm probably just going to gloss over a lot in the last ten years and put more emphasis on 2009 in another post since it was one heck of a year for me.

Y2K started off pretty piss poorly. I was back home in New Brunswick for the holidays after completing my first semester of my first year of university in Ottawa. I decided to celebrate at a friend's party with a mickey of tequila and a mini bottle of champagne. Possibly anticipating the end of the world, I drank the whole thing. I rang in the new century praying madly to the Porcelain God for him to make it all go away (hence the title of this post). I still can't drink (or smell) tequila without getting violently ill (as I discovered on my birthday in 2009 - but that's a story for another day). I believe 2000 was also the year I got cast in my first lead role in Beth Henley's Crimes of the Heart at the U of O, got elected to serve professionally on the university's student council, went home for the summer only to realize you really can't go home again, got cast in my second lead role (this time it was The Lark), dropped out of school for a semester so I could do both the play and my student council job... and most of this happened before I even turned 19... wow, I didn't realize the year 2000 was such a busy one!

By 2001, things had deteriorated on student council, my roommate and I weren't getting along and I overcompensated for it all by eating and drinking way to much. I almost got kicked off student council because of an incident involving my drinking (one that I am not proud of, but that is pretty darn funny ten years later - again, story for another day) and I swore of booze for the rest of the year. I ran for student council again, but lost. I was devastated but found solace in my first grownup relationship, which would last for close to 6 years.

I honestly can't really remember much of 2002, except that I mostly laid low, organized a few events, wasn't cast in anything, fell in and out of depression, and probably wasn't a really great person to be around at that time.

In 2003, after cheering wildly at a Gee Gee's game, I was spotted by the Promotions Officer for Sports Services who immediately offered me a job on her team. So began my introduction to the world of Marketing and Promotions. I kept up one of my earlier electoral promises (even though I hadn't won) to create the First Annual University of Ottawa Arts Week, which was picked up by Maclean's Magazine as one of their Best Bets for the 2004 campus edition. I also focused on my studies and managed to pump up my grade point average in my last year from a decent B to an A (though this would not really matter for my overall CGPA, unfortunately).

I graduated from the U of O in 2004 with a B.A. Honours in Theatre and a Concentration in Political Science, as well as an additional B.A. Concentration in Canadian Studies. Yes, I have two university degrees. I got my first full-time job out of school working for Sports Services and got my very first acting agent. I also started my first blog.

My contract at Sports Services ended in 2005 and was not renewed. I was hurt but decided maybe this was the right time to take the professional acting plunge. Unfortunately, I didn't do much more than community theatre and watch a lot of daytime reruns on TV. I had moved in with my boyfriend at this point and I was becoming incredibly lazy. Then I was approached by my friend Linda from school to audition for a play she was putting on with her boyfriend Chris. I didn't want to audition because I thought Chris hated me, but I did anyway because Linda insisted. I landed the part and, grosso modo, Evolution Theatre (frankly, all thanks to Linda!) was born. This was also the year that my amazing friend Claudia introduced me to Michele Lonsdale Smith and my life as an actor was shifting into completely new ground.

By 2006, I needed a job and did a brief stint at the Magnetic North Theatre Festival. Acting was still mostly community work, though I did land my first union credit for an internet video which you can still see here.

I became restless in almost every part of my life in 2007. I landed a full-time job working for the Canadian Museum of Civilization and the Canadian War Museum in their Marketing Department and wondered why I was so hurt that Sports Services didn't keep me on since this job was waaaaay better! I also got braces that year. I ended things with my boyfriend and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Then I went and bought my own house which has now become my oasis in this crazy world. I also wrote my first play which I produced for the Ottawa Fringe Festival.

In 2008, I fired my agent and found another since I was getting all my own work anyway. After getting cast in my first professional film and theatre gigs, I decided to leave the museum (after getting promoted, no less) for acting. The braces also came off during the summer and I caught my first show at the Stratford Theatre Festival: Caesar and Cleopatra, starring Christopher Plummer.

And this brings us to 2009 (blog post coming tomorrow!)

My Heart Grew Three Sizes That Day

A few weeks ago, I had the privilege of attending an amazing workshop in Toronto with Barbara Deutsch. Barbara is a creative coach who helps artists break through certain blocks they might be experiencing with regards to their careers. This is exactly what I needed: I've taken lots of classes, I've created my own work and I'm constantly seeking out new opportunities, but when it comes to career advancement, I feel like I've hit a plateau. The class was fairly big, but Barbara is incredibly adept at making sure everyone's individual needs were met. She's intuitive and doesn't waste any time getting to the root of a problem if you are willing to listen.

The vibe in Toronto was really different from what I was used to in Ottawa. I felt it immediately when I walked in. Though the experience level varied (from recent theatre school grads to principals in film and TV roles) there was no doubt in my mind that all these people were are 'working actors' even if they weren't currently appearing in something. It was an intimidating sensation, at first, as I fell prey to the 'What the hell am I doing here?/I don't belong in this room' doubts. I sat in the front row (keener that I am to absorb as much knowledge as I can) but I didn't feel 'present'.

Then Barbara helped me solve a big personal block. I won't get into here, but the solution was a simple one: 'Make it about the other person.'

As an actor, I've heard this a million times before. When you're on stage, you're not working alone (even when doing a one person show, there's an audience involved) and it's important to listen to your scene partner and make it about them. I never clued in that this was something I could be doing in my everyday life. When I make it about the other person, I'm not worried about me anymore ('How's my hair?' 'Does this outfit make me look fat today?' 'OMG, they probably think I'm such a dork!' ect.) and I just relax.

I started using this little trick over the holidays and I can't believe the improvements I've seen in my attitude and my life in general. I'm a much happier person for it.

2010 is going to be a great one! New Year's Resolutions coming soon!

Back To Me - The Power of No

Dear Readers, it's been three weeks since my last confession blog post. And still, approximately 40 of you keep coming back every day to see what's new. I sincerely appreciate that. Over the last few weeks, everything's felt off (and it has not just been a case of show withdrawal either). I've been feeling lost, anxious and overwhelmed all at the same time, which created a big ball of resistance and self-pity that I knowingly indulged in. I stopped writing. I stopped doing the work I enjoy. I threw myself into the comforting and familiar embrace of depression combined with avoidance in pointless busy work.

Then, little by little, I came out of it by doing something that actually scares me: I started saying 'No'.

I've built that word up in my head to mean so much more than what it actually does. To me, I had (and still struggle with) the false belief that saying 'No' leads to closing doors, missed opportunities and (gasp!) having people be mad at me (and, subsequently, not like me). So, I say yes to everything that comes my way: every project, every work opportunity, everything even if I don't really feel like doing it. Then I get overwhelmed and resentful because I'm not doing what I want to do... and the cycle begins anew.

But this time, I'm doing something different. I'm saying no. For my own personal sanity and well-being, I'm saying no to stuff. I think the biggest no of all was to the Ottawa Fringe Festival. After three years of producing shows, I'm taking a break. In fact, I didn't even apply to the lottery. Now, this doesn't mean that my Roller Derby show is kaput or that I wouldn't perform in someone else's show if given the opportunity. It just means I'm taking some time off from producing and I'm going to wait until I have something more solid on paper before I rush head first into another deficit.

All in all, I need to take care of me.

So, in the past few days, I've allowed myself to be inspired by the people and the situations that surround me. I've summoned new people into my life who bring with them a positive and fresh energy and I've let go of others who weren't beneficial. And I've stopped to listen to the messages that come to all of us (whether you call it intuition, your gut, The Universe, your guides or TPTB) in all their forms.

The Universe has been good to me, like a parent who waits patiently while their child chases around Disneyland on a sugar high; not exactly preventing me from doing anything, but waiting until I exhausted myself with all my running around so that I could hear where I'll be going to next.

Though I am not certain where all this will take me, I do know that I am right where I need to be and what I need to do next. Everything else is gravy.

Xie Xie, Beijing, Me Love You Long Time

I'm home. Was I really just in China? I've got the material evidence to prove it, but it was such a whirlwind adventure, it's almost hard to believe. The Coles Notes version of the trip:

We arrived after a thirteen hour flight in Executive Class (OMG, I was so spoiled!), met our tour guide at the airport and checked into the hotel. Neither my friend nor I had been able to sleep on the plane, even though our individual seats, located inside a semi-private pod, laid flat out into a bed. So after a quick tour of the hotel, we immediately crashed.

Our first morning in China, we had breakfast before heading off to Tienanmen Square and the (not-so) Forbidden City. Since we arrived during the National Holiday, it was kind of like trying to explore downtown Ottawa on Canada Day. After lunch, we were then herded off to the absolutely exquisite Summer Palace. We even got to take a Dragon Boat across the lake (not the kind of dragon boat you row, an actual boat with a dragon statue at the helm). We were absolutely exhausted at this point and told that we had a free evening that night. That said, we were given the option, if we wanted to pay a bit extra, to see a show... Even on vacation I can't miss out on seeing a play. My friend went back to the hotel and I went to see Chun Yi - The Legend of Kung Fu. The show was mostly in English (and has played in Vancouver if the giant lobby posters were any indication) and was very entertaining spectacle, though I tried desperately not to nod off due to pure exhaustion. It was a very simple story with lots of acrobatics, music and dance. I don't know if this was a more traditional form of Chinese theatre or the Mirvish form of Chinese theatre, but I did have fun. Plus, there was a little boy who sang with the voice of an angel. Don't ever hit puberty, kid.

On day two, after breakfast, we arrived at a Jade Factory in Beijing and I won a free pendant for answering a trivia question. Then we headed out to the Ming Tombs. The Sacred Way, a row of 36 statues set along the path towards the tomb was probably the most relaxing part of the trip. Then, after lunch, we were off to the GREAT WALL! My friend and I climbed up to the highest point of the North Pass, also known as Badaling. I was really proud of us and what I can only classify as the greatest hike ever. It was at this point that I was almost disappointed we were with a group because I would have loved to keep walking along the wall. We then went to a local tea house and got to try a variety of traditional Chinese teas (and spend way too much money to buy some of my own, but I think it was worth it) and checked out the Beijing National Stadium - at least from the outside. It looks phenomenal at night. In fact, most of downtown Beijing with it's crazy architecture and inclination towards light shows looks amazing at night.

Day three and we were off to the Temple of Heaven. In the park surrounding the Temple, people practiced Tai Chi, ballroom dancing, played cards and music. Though I was kind of templed out at this point, that was pretty cool and worth the vendor hassles (there are no panhandlers in China, at least not that I saw, because everyone seems to be trying to sell you something on the street). Then we had a brief stopover at a silk factory, learning how silk is made, before checking out the Pearl Market (where I got me two really nice knock off bags!). I was glad to have my friend with me, as I realized bargaining with the vendors was not my strong suit. What can I say? I want to be nice. Then we got a rickshaw tour of a Hutong and visited a local woman's home.

If that wasn't enough, we then went and saw what our guide called a "cultural show," the Golden Mask Dynasty. If I thought the Kung Fu show had spectacle, I hadn't seen nothing yet. Someone in our group asked how you would describe what we saw. All I could say was this: "It was an epic anime fairy tale that would only be created if the Cirque du Soleil had an illegitimate love-child with the National Ballet for the sole purpose of making Robert Lepage jealous." Seriously people, they had a flood ON STAGE. A real, live flood! I was in the third row and got back splash. It was awesome and I can forgive the absolutely atrocious English surtitles and complete lack of concrete plot just for that. After some Peking Duck with dinner, our tour was officially over, but my friend and I used our last free day to visit the Silk Market and the Beijing Zoo to see the Pandas. The zoo, unfortunately, just made us sad. The animals do not seem like they are well treated. Cages are too small, animals are often separated from each other (even the docile ones) and, even though it is CLEARLY indicated that people should not feed the animals, people throw any and everything into the pits. It was disgusting. If you're ever in Beijing, don't bother going to the zoo.

All in all though, I had an amazing trip and would probably go back again if the opportunity presented itself. Back in Ottawa, I've hit the ground running (literally, as I've started jogging again) and have a sense of joy and hopefulness about my life once again. I feel like anything is possible right now and I'm going to hang on to that feeling for as long as I can.

Now, what's this jet lag I keep hearing about?

Screw You Guys, I'm Going To China!

(ed. note - I hope no one thinks I'm being mean with this title, I'm just bastardizing a South Park quote because I think it's funny. It's funny, right? Right. Keep reading.) Va... ca... tion...?

What is this foreign work you speak of?

The last time I had a vacation, I was 16 years old and I went to Florida with my family (FYI Universal Studio kicked more ass than Disney, even though the Terminator ride broke down). Of course, you could claim that I went on a family vacation two years ago when my mom, my sister and I drove through the Rockies and ended up in lovely Nelson, BC, but that was more of a workaholic's vacation. I had my laptop with me and I distinctly remember spending an awful lot of time writing press releases for the Ottawa Fringe Festival and reworking drafts of a script. I also remember my mother often gently trying to persuade me (i.e. getting annoyed but trying not to show it in front of company) to get off the damn computer and come spend quality time outside, which I did... I sat on a deck with the Rocky Mountains rising above me and a lake spread out below me... and my laptop hugging my knees.

I'm sick. There is something definitely wrong with me. I'm addicted to work. Everything is work or becomes about work. Going to see a show is about work. Taking a new class to gain a new skill becomes "something I can put on a resume". About 95% of my friends are also my colleagues. I run Evolution Theatre with two such friends. We often say that we're just going to hang out, have lunch, watch a movie, or maybe plan a wedding... the discussion inevitably comes back to work.

Don't get me wrong. I love the work I do. I am blessed and grateful to be able to do what I do. But (and I can't believe I'm saying this) maybe I work too much? Is there such a thing? Yes, I guess there is.

I'm going on a trip tomorrow and, with lots of publicity work for Evolution Theatre's next show ahead of me, I started feeling massively guilty for doing anything that was for myself. Going to class or rehearsal, even eating and bathing were practically taking a back seat to what I so desperately thought "needed to be done". Like I said, I'm sick.

You know what, it did need to get done and, better yet, it did get done, but at what cost? My health? My sanity? My peace of mind? I learned a valuable lesson this week. I'm absolutely useless to anyone if I don't take care of myself first. I especially thank the folks in my Playback Theatre company for putting me back on the right track. Once I finally gave in to being at rehearsal, which was where I really wanted to be, and let go of the guilt, I suddenly got better. I was refreshed and recharged and that's why all my work got done this week.

So when my old roomate (and one of the 5% of my friends not involved in the arts - though Gruppo Rubato is trying to change that with Airport Security - check out a staged reading of it this weekend!), who is also a flight attendant, invited me to go with her to China of all places, I jumped at the chance. Yes, I really am going to China. Tomorrow. I leave tomorrow.

And I'm going to do something crazy... something drastic... something so beyond me...

I'm going to disconnect from the Matrix.

Yes, you read that right. No laptop, no iPhone, no Twitter, no Facebook, no email, no *gasp* flat iron. I'm leaving it all behind. It will just be me, my friend, and my poofy hair. As of tomorrow morning, I will be unreachable and not working... Ok, I'm going to cheat a wee bit because I'm going to be reading a book about Roller Derby but it's a NOVEL, so that's alright.

(And uh, BTW, if I'm not back in two weeks, could someone please call the Embassy in Beijing and make sure I'm not rotting in a Chinese prison somewhere... kthxbye!)

My guess is I'll be going into massive electronic withdrawal at some point over the Pacific Ocean. As long as I don't end up re-enacting the toilet scene from Trainspotting though, I should be ok.

So please go ahead and miss me. I know you will. But I'll be back refreshed, recharged and with plenty of photos to share on all sorts of new media outlets. And that? Is really, really nice.

In Loving Memory of my Friend

Yesterday morning, after a battle with cancer, my friend, Jan Murray, died peacefully in her sleep. I hadn't know Jan for a very long time. In fact, before this summer, you probably would have considered us acquaintances. All that changed when we were paired up for an intensive acting workshop this past August. That's when we started spending every single day together.

The news of her passing came as an absolute shock to me. Yes, I knew she was sick, but she had beaten it before.

This isn't the first death I've experienced in my life this year. My grandmother passed away in late January. But she was done with life. When I saw Jan, I saw a woman so full of life that, in my mind, there was no way she was nearing the end.

I remember when we started working together, Jan told me one of the first times she saw me was in the very same class we were attending and she was so impressed and inspired by my me. I was confused. She had it backwards. I had seen her work in that class (she was doing a scene from The Graduate) and I was not only impressed by her work, but inspired by her life story.

Here was a woman who had overcome so much, including a major illness, and she was glowing. Jan always glowed. She simply looked stunning.

We worked together on John Patrick Shanley's Doubt, a play that will now have a very different meaning for me. Jan was always so keen and prepared. She'd get frustrated and apologetic for not being able to remember the lines so well, even though I kept telling her it didn't matter since someone would be on book. But we'd meet every day to have tea and run lines. And we'd talk. About our lives, about her son, her volunteer work, theatre in Ottawa and yes, her illness.

I enjoyed our talks, but I'd always tune out at that last one.

It was naive, I know, but part of me, I guess, believed in this healing power of the theatre and the work we were doing. Besides, when we were performing the scenes together, there was no way you would think that woman was dying.

I'll always remember a dancing Sister Aloysius.

In an odd twist, as costume pieces, I brought in a crucifix and rosary that belonged to my grandmother. Though I am not religious, I do believe in symbols and spirituality. I have been carrying that rosary around with me wherever I go. I carry it for Jan now too.

Jan Murray is my friend. I love her and I miss her.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_tIss1OhGM]

Ara Batur (The Row Boat) by Sigur Ros

Lyric Translation

You tried everything Yes, a thousand times Experienced enough Been through enough But you it was who let everything Into my heart and you it was who once again Awoke my spirit

I parted, you parted

You stir up Emotions In a blender Everything in disarray But it was you who was always There for me It was you who never judged My true friend

I parted, you parted

You sail on rivers With an old oar Leaking badly You swim to shore Pushed the waves away But to no avail You float on the sea Sleep on the surface Light through the fog

I parted, you parted

Rewriting the Inner Monologue

Stop.Just stop it. It's over. That was then, this is now. Time to move on, carry on, pick up, get up, go. You're stronger than this. This? This is nothing. You've been through worse and you will again. But right now? Stop. Just stop it.

Breathe. Always remember to breathe.

Look. Look at you. No, seriously, look. Don't turn your head away. Open your eyes. You're beautiful, you know. Yes, you do know. But it's easy to forget sometimes. Why do you always seem to forget the good and never the bad? Stop. Just stop it.

Breathe. Always remember to breathe.

It's ok. No, really, it's ok. Be sad. Be angry. Be frustrated. Be relieved. Be. Cry like a baby. Scream, yell, curse. Take all day if you need to. But don't shut down. Don't hide. Don't pretend you are alone in this world. Because you're not. Stop. Just stop it.

Breathe. Always remember to breathe.

Feel the love. It's there. You know it's there. In and around. Your heart. Not alone. Never alone. Too much love to be alone. Joyful girl. Don't. Don't stop.

Breathe. Always remember to breathe.

I Don't Ever Give Up

By Patty Griffin I'm no kid in a kid's game I did what I did, I've got no one to blame But I don't give up, no, I don't ever give up It's all I've got, it's my claim to fame

I'm no fighter but I'm fighting This whole world seems uninviting But I don't give up, no, I don't ever give up I fall down sometimes, sometimes I come back flying

Liars are lying, airplanes are flying Love isn't here, love isn't here But it's somewhere Time to forget me, but something won't let me Love isn't here, love isn't here But it's somewhere

And I cleaned and I washed up This dream I don't ever give up I don't ever give up, I don't ever give up No, I don't ever give up, no, I don't ever give up No, I don't ever give up, I don't ever give up

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktpTyT1Wj_I&feature=related]

Baby Steps - Free Association

You've got ideas, ideals, goals, and dreams. They're so much brighter, better, bigger, of course, than where you are right now. And you want to get there. Right now. Why wait? But first you have to take steps, little steps, baby steps to get you on your way. But you don't want to take the baby steps because, dammit, you're not a baby anymore, Mom! You're a big girl. And you want to take the big girl grownup steps. So you leap, you jump, you freaking fly over all the baby steps and you soar... but then you realize that you don't literally have wings and no one bothered to teach you how to land this thing so you crash and you burn and you scrape your knee and skin your elbow and break your arm and you cry. You cry big warm baby tears and you feel like such a big baby and you wonder, if I'm such a baby, why didn't I take the baby steps to begin with?

Psalm

By Hey Rosetta! But often it happens you know That the things you don’t trust are the ones you need most. So it's cautiously into the dark, But you see before long that your eyes will adjust And under the night you can hear The full moon rise like a psalm in the air. And the air goes into your lungs, And around in your heart and on through your blood. It goes cautiously into the dark And you see before long that we all have a part. And under your skin you can feel That the fear that you feel is what will set you free

And under the night you can hear, The full moon rise like a psalm in the air. And the air goes into your lungs.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADZ6UY0H1KM]

Joyful Girl

By Ani DiFranco I do it for the joy it brings Because I'm a joyful girl. Because the world owes me nothing And we owe each other the world. I do it because it's the least I can do, I do it because I learned it from you. I do it just because I want to, Just because I want to.

Everything I do is judged And they mostly get it wrong, But oh well. 'Cuz the bathroom mirror has not budged And the woman who lives there can tell The truth from the stuff that they say. She looks me in the eye And says would you prefer the easy way? No, well o.k. then Don't cry.

And I wonder if everything I do, I do instead of something I want to do more, The question fills my head. I know that there's no grand plan here, This is just the way it goes. And when everything else seems unclear, I guess at least I know.

I do it for the joy it brings...

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3y-1H9kAg3s&feature=related]

Post-Class Ramblings

It's past midnight and I'm home from class. I'm starving but I don't want pizza, so I'm making the only thing any single gal who hasn't been grocery shopping in over three weeks can make: Pasta! Plain, no tomato sauce, pasta! Mmmmm! Finally finished all my grant writing today for both Evolution Theatre and my upcoming Roller Derby show. It is such a huge relief to have that off my shoulders. I can now fully focus on Birth and my class with Michele Lonsdale Smith from Vancouver.

I feel so blessed and grateful to be taking this class. I'm not just learning about acting, I'm learning to be a better human being. I wish everyone could see, feel, learn what I learn in these classes. I've been studying with her for almost four years now and I know that I would not be the person I am today if it wasn't for those classes. If you are in the Ottawa area and are interested in auditing a class, here's the event info, including how you can apply to audit.

I'm going to be working on a scene from Doubt with an absolutely lovely partner and I know we're going to have a lot of fun with it. I do, however, still need to find an outfit. I'm currently looking for a long black skirt, black shoes and a habit headpiece. Please message me below if you can help!

I am happy. I am exactly where I know I should be right now and for the first time ever I'm not scared to do the work. I'm actually thrilled to do it!

My heart is filled with so much love for everyone. If you are reading this, I love you very much and, even if we haven't met, I think you are beautiful and strong. You can accomplish everything you put your mind to. The only thing standing in your way is you.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my water is boiling.

Chill Out, Virginia, It Can Be This Easy

I woke up a little earlier than 5:00 a.m. with the sun barely creeping through my blinds. I was ok with that since I was going to head out for some early morning yoga, but I couldn't figure out if I had slept. If I did sleep, I spent the entire night dreaming about THE SHOW and my tossing and turning was based on all of my blocking, or I didn't sleep and I just thought about the show all night... Ah well, being up that early reminded me that I needed to do laundry, since my costume top was in the basket and we were teching at 9:30 a.m. I also filled out an application for what will surely be another cool festival for No Exit Upstage in September. Yes, the application deadline is way beyond past, but the fine folks in Kitchener-Waterloo have been kind enough to grant me one massive extension.

All in all, with the working out and an impromptu coffee meeting with theatre friends post-yoga, I had a very productive morning before heading out to our venue in Studio Leonard Beaulne on the University of Ottawa campus.

The reality of the situation finally hit me when I got there. We open in LESS THAN TWO DAYS! While on the bus my director/stage manager called to say his own bus hadn't shown up and he would be late. I arrived at the venue and couldn't find either the technician or my fellow actor. I wanted to panic! Where was the Fringe office phone number? Where was everyone? What the hell is going on!?!

Then I looked at my phone. It wasn't even 9:30 yet...

Needless to say, everyone arrived and things went as smoothly as they possibly could. I worried a bit, some more, that I wouldn't be able to get the timing for some of my cues, but we just kept working them until we got it right. I also had to keep telling myself that a cue-to-cue was not a place to be worried about character development. An excellent technical rehearsal later (Vincent is awesome!), we were having lunch on the grass before tidying up a few bits of the story arc. It was wonderful. Post-rehearsal I went to tape up posters around the venues.

Two days before opening and I am confident we have a solid show. It is an incredibly uplifting feeling to know that we won't simply be running on adrenaline to pull this all together. I can't thank the gang enough for making my life so incredibly easy. I sincerely hope to see you all out there throughout the run!

Nancy Kenny's No Exit Upstage, opens with a 2-for-1 admission price Thursday, June 18 at 9:30 pm and plays in Venue #3 - Studio Leonard-Beaulne.

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As an added bonus, while we were finishing up our rehearsal, I received a call from Theatre New Brunswick. I guess I haven't simply been killing trees after all! I'll be heading to Toronto on June 23rd (a day we are not schedule to perform on - thank you Universe!) to audition for their TYA Touring Company.