The Bigger Fear

Generally, writing a play does not scare me. Not to belittle the job of the playwright (because there is a tremendous amount of work involved), but I can just write something and, if someone decides they like it and want to produce it, I can just sit back and enjoy the show. It doesn't matter if I've revealed a part of myself in the lines or not because no one really sees me in the words. They now belong to the actor speaking them. The problem, or should I say the paralyzing/gut jarring/appetite destroying fear, occurs when that actor also happens to be me. Maybe it's because I haven't done it in so long (last November and counting). Since appearing in Meta Schmeta, I have had many auditions with zero results. It was one of the main reasons I got back into writing - to create something that I could appear in. That said, it's during these bouts without work that many actors begin to doubt themselves (What am I saying? Actors are always doubting themselves) and I'm no different. I start to think maybe there's a reason I haven't been working in so long. You know those thoughts of maybe I'm simply not good enough... Maybe everyone else has come to the realization I'm not really that great of an actor and I'm just oblivious to it all. Yesterday, I had a talk with a friend who mentioned the mistakes an actor keeps making which prevents them from getting work, but their ego is so much in the way that you can't approach them about it. I couldn't help wondering: is someone somewhere having that same conversation about me and I've just been blind?

My gut tells me that's not the case, so I carry on. And this summer, I'm laying it all on the line - words and voice. I've written a show which I am producing for both the Ottawa and Winnipeg Fringe Festivals (see my Upcoming Appearances page for details). I've been blessed with a fantastic director and an amazing scene partner. These people, I'd like to think, would not be working with me if they didn't believe in the project (they sure as hell aren't doing it for the money). They're faith encourages me and reminds me that I also have faith in myself... somewhere... I think it's near the stomach... I am proud of what we are coming up with in rehearsals and I know already that this production will be ten times better than my last attempt at self-production (live and learn). Success, for me, is just making this happen. I guess I'm on the right track.

Who am I trying to be good enough for anyway?

Asphalt Jungle Shorts - The Twitter Experience

Driving back from Kitchener-Waterloo to Toronto at 1 am gives you plenty of time to think and to rant randomly. (First up, reason number 42 why I am different from my mom and my sister: I happen to like night driving - the roads are quiet and the car is bumpin'!) I can't even begin to describe how wonderful my evening was. Every song on the radio was a song I loved (though some ladies who lunch may argue that I love every song, which is mostly true but besides the point - come on, if you don't love C+C Music Factory, you have no soul!) Some of you may remember my previous adventures in KW. This time around, through some careful scheduling, I managed to be in town for the Asphalt Jungle Shorts, an absolutely wonderful little project of site specific theatre. Basically, you get taken on a trek through town and "witness" approximately 15 short plays on your journey. I had heard about the festival and applied with my own piece, Blind Date. I found out today that there were over 300 applications from playwrights so I feel very privileged to have been included.

My life is just such a beautiful dream and the best part is that I don't ever have to wake up. There is nothing quite like seeing some amazing and inspiring art taking place (and knowing that you played an albeit small part in making it happen) to really recharge your batteries. During one particularly heavy piece in the tour, two people walked up. They were covered in tattoos and scowls and didn't look like your typical theatre audience. I thought they would just walk around, but no, they stood there, and I saw giant grins form on their faces. When someone told them they could come along for the rest of the ride, they couldn't believe it. It was their first time seeing theatre and they were so enthralled, they will come back on another day to catch the show from the beginning. My heart melted. I am so amazed at this community of artists I keep finding all over the world and I am even more thrilled that all of them seem to be willing to let me sleep on their couches if I'm ever in town. And you can bet that I will one day take them up on that offer (especially with the Magnetic North Theatre Festival happening in KW next year!)

For those of you who won't be able to make it out, here is my live Twitter play-by-play of the evening (inspired by the lovely Lois and her frequent Tweets from backstage).

Enjoy!

We start at the Kava Bean Common on Gaukel Street:

@nancykenny - Free parking & french vanilla cappucino - rain or shine site specific theatre goes on

@nancykenny - Wondering if the crazy interview taking place at my table is part of the show...

@nancykenny - Groucho lookalike says something might happen

@nancykenny - Coffee shop argument We begin... I hope

@nancykenny - Aha! Interview is! part of it

@nancykenny - For copyright reasons, not Groucho but Whome

@nancykenny - Off to a great start - cat fight in the street over a clocktower - not a euphemism

@nancykenny - Group stopped by someone trying to figure out her cell camera

@nancykenny - Ah this is the clocktower

@nancykenny - Gosh lots of couples break up on this tour

@nancykenny - Group photo YAY robots!

@nancykenny - If we had chosen left would we get different shows?

@nancykenny - Whome runs all the way around the park to ensure being in the lead. Corny jokes abound

@nancykenny - Random ppl swear at the actors - not part of the show - geez learn to have fun

@nancykenny - Best valley explanation of Othello ever!

@nancykenny - Jaywalking is bad. Heard from Whome: I wish I had a camera for all the fascinating things that did not happen.

@nancykenny - That's what I like to see passerbys staring w/ joy n awe (these are the people I mentioned above)

@nancykenny - Whoa another breakup. Do not come to KW for love - come for the petting zoo

@nancykenny - Whome quote: Marriage is the leading cause of divorce

@nancykenny - Intermission in a bar - my show takes place in a bar! Anticipation!

@nancykenny - Now in the furthest room in the bar. Surprised I have reception. FYI-bar is Rum Runner

@nancykenny - Hmmm Whome has disappeared but a sexy married dragon lady is flirting w/ the bartender...

@nancykenny - My show's great!

@nancykenny - "There's a gay woman trapped inside this strait man's body" HA!

@nancykenny - Whome is back! Woo!

@nancykenny - Programs given at the end so as not to ruin the surprise - they asked me to bow! TY KW! Amazing show! Even the weather complied

@nancykenny - This has been a live tweetorama from the Asphalt Jungle Shorts

90% Perspiration

For the past two years I have been in constant contact with a small professional theatre company on the outskirts of Ottawa in order to get an opportunity to audition for them. Yes, you read that right: two years. Every couple of months or so, whenever I had a project coming up (or better yet, saw that they did), I'd be in touch. And then I'd follow up, just to be sure. Acting is a business of connections. Though a lot of it revolves around who you know, it also revolves around who still knows you exist. Do I worry sometimes that I may be coming off as too pushy or a bit of a nag? Yes, sometimes, but then I remember that no one ever got blacklisted for sending in a resume/headshot.

I know a lot of people who complain that they aren't getting any jobs and yet don't seem to realize that these jobs don't just fall in your lap. You have to network, you have to build relationships, you have to let them know that you take this job seriously, that you are a good actor, and you are exactly what they are looking for.

So, after two years of persistence, I finally got an audition and it went swimmingly. Though casting depends on many factors that are outside my control, I know I did well and I know I will be on stage in that little community in the very near future.

I'm looking forward to it.

All of this has happened before...

For the second time, I am producing a show I have written for the Ottawa Fringe Festival. For the second time, I'm having trouble putting together my creative team. The people I would really like to work with are unavailable, which means I have to take a chance on someone new. And that scares me like you would not believe. I've mentioned before that this art form is a collaborative effort that is so much bigger than myself and I still believe that. I do. Honestly. However, I'm investing a lot of money, time, and, yes, even a little part of my soul into this endeavor. I'm already taking a big risk. Now I have to take it a step further by trusting someone who's work may not be familiar to me... I'm having trouble letting go.

Breathe

This happens all the time after all. Who is ever truly "in control" when it comes to creating theatre? I just have to keep doing the best that I can with what I have and trust my instincts will help me select the best people for the task at hand.

I want people to trust me. I guess it's time I started trusting them.

My Body Hurts

Change feels like dying because it is, right, but the opposite is true: if it doesn't feel like dying, it isn't change. We don't cross over, and we don't get bigger. We go back to the beginning, and this all happens again. - Jacob This was seriously taken from a Battlestar Gallactica episode recap from the website Television Without Pity.

It was so beautiful and felt appropriate to the way I've been feeling lately, I just had to share. That, and Battlestar Gallactica is one kick ass show!

Help! I Need Somebody

The ego doesn't want you to get help.  Whether it's having someone look over a draft of a script I wrote or getting coaching on a monologue, my ego immediately flares up, wondering why I would need help in the first place.  I should just "know" how to do it well, how to do it right, and if I can't make it awesome the first time around, well screw it!  I'm not doing it anymore. Ouch!

Is this some kind of self-preservation thing?  Protecting ourselves from potential criticism and, gasp, heartbreak?  Yes, in some fucked up way, I guess it is.

I can't tell you how hard it's been for me to get past my own ego, to stop self-sabotaging myself.  I try to take little baby steps everyday to ensure that I keep moving forward, but sometimes even baby steps feel like jumping over mountains.

So I've got two choices:  I could lay down and just give everything up or I could just ask someone with some mountain climbing gear  how to go about it.

Can I sleep on that for a bit?

I Learned Something Today

Nobody's perfect. We all make mistakes.  We're all learning something.  The howling beasts in the night usually turn out to be wounded animals in the daylight (unless it's Halloween, in which case that was a howling beast).  Everyone is feeling hurt and scared.  Once I figured that out, everything else seemed so much easier to deal with.   That's also when I found the fun in simple everyday situations.  Sorry for being so vague and random, but I'm just in awe right now.

Seriously, how blessed am I?  I own a beautiful home.  I have a family (and yes, friends are family too) that loves and supports me.  I am young and healthy.  I'm doing what I absolutely LOVE to do and I am good at it. The whole world is open to me with endless possibilities.

I am grateful.  Life is good.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Ed. Note - Since I feel like I'm starting a new chapter in my life, it felt appropriate that I have a new blog to go with it. I am a professional actor

Towards the end of my shoot on a wonderful little horror movie, the director forbid me from denying that fact. Mostly because he was sick of me haranguing him for saying he was not a professional director. Don't you hate it when your good advice gets thrown back in your face?

Well, he was right.

I've had a crazy month of August. The first two weeks were taken up by said horror movie and I audited a very inspirational acting course.

The movie reminded me how much fun acting was, how much I loved being on set, and how great it is to be part of a team working passionately towards something that's bigger than yourself. Even the incredibly early morning wake-up calls (did you know there's a 4:30 in the morning now?) only reminded me that I was getting up to go do something I absolutely adore doing (and if that happened to include cutting people in half with a chain saw or sending someone off a cliff, who was I to argue?).

The course made me realize that I was being a lazy actor. If I'm honest with myself, I know that I expected lots of great parts with very little effort or preparation. I'd go into an audition and just expect talent to carry me through. I would complain about how hard I was working to get things done, but I was really wasn't working at all.

So, for an upcoming audition, I prepared like mad. I wasn't going to let old habits stand in the way of what I wanted. I was going to get this part. I read the script a few times and immediately picked a scene that struck a cord with me. I brushed off my monologue and put it on its feet. And then I did something that I never allowed myself to do in the past. I got help. Thanks to two really great friends, I got to play with both scene and monologue. They helped me discover things about the characters and make good choices. They were lifesavers.

I arrived at the audition feeling rather grounded. I was feeling happy just to be there. Adequate preparation had already taken away about 50% of my nerves to the point that when I realized there were five extra people in the room than what I had envisioned, I didn't freak out. I was actually glad for the opportunity to play in front of more people. And play I did. I didn't take my self too seriously and had fun. Yes, Nancy, acting is fun!

And then I got a callback.

Wow!

Then I took a page out of my amazing friend's handbook. I went to my resume and added the credit to the list. I was letting the universe know that I believed it could happen.

Guess what? I got the part.

I laughed uncontrollably for about two minutes when I received the news.

Nancy Kenny will be appearing in Rabbit Hole this October at the new Gladstone Theatre (Get your tickets now!)

**********************************

On Monday morning, I went and took the crazy to a whole other level. I walked into work and I gave them my notice. After about four years of floundering about in full-time jobs, I realized that if I wanted to truly be a professional actor, I had to either shit or get off the pot. Well, gosh darnit, it's time to shit!

To tell you the truth, no decision has ever felt so right before.  It was time.

I'll be at my current job until September 12, and then rehearsals start for Rabbit Hole. My contract is for six weeks until October 25th.

After that point, who knows, but I believe (and it's about damn time I did) that I can be an actor and still manage to take care of myself.

Besides, if ever I'm royally fucked, I'll just move in to my film director's basement and take his DVD collection hostage. Because I am a professional actor and he created a monster.